Good luck: we all want some. But how can we get our hands on a thing as intangible as luck? Some people spend an entire football season clad in the same unwashed underwear. Others perform an elaborate series of rituals akin to the actions of a confirmed mental patient. Even otherers find their luck in talismans such as four-leaf clovers, discarded horseshoes, and severed rabbits feet. And what, pray tell, is the latest trend on the talisman front? In China, it's live turtles sealed inside bags of urine-colored goop! A gooey bag of tiny fish is also available for individuals who would rather not watch a turtle slowly die of asphyxiation, but rather, two tiny fish. What the WTF, China?
These sadistic keychain vendors--oh, yeah, I forgot, these death bags are keychains!--are raking in the yen faster than they can imprison tiny animals in bags of "nutrient rich" goo for a couple of reasons:
1.) China has notoriously lax animal cruelty laws. The manufacturers would probably shove a baby monkey into a slime-filled novelty keychain if they could find a Ziploc bag big enough. Well, maybe not a monkey. I guess it depends on the whole "luck factor," like, how much luck having a baby monkey hanging from your car keys would bring an individual. Which leads me to point number...
2.) The citizens of China are slaves to superstition. I mean, that's how it looks anyway, as these lucky keychains are top sellers. As long as the people are buying them, the lowlifes behind the scenes are gonna keep cranking 'em out.
Sick. Get yourself together, China! For fuck's sake!
