By now I assume you are all familiar with the Kate Middleton jelly bean (see above picture if not). The image is pretty self-explanatory, but here's a quick rundown of the story behind this miraculous item: some dude in England found a jelly bean that vaguely looked like the future Princess of Wales and decided to put it on eBay, with a starting bid of roughly 800 American dollars. And there you go. You're all caught up and we can move on to the comedic business that will make up the bulk of this post. Ready? Let's do it.What you may not know is that I, Matt Lawson, am an avid finder and collector of just such miraculous edibles. I've been collecting for years, starting when I was 10 and I was served a Pizza Hut Personal Pan Pizza with what looked like the image of Sammy Hagar--the Red Rocker himself--fashioned out of pepperoni slices on it. I devoted my life to searching for more foods with images of celebrities, historical figures, and religious icons on them. Here now, for your reading pleasure, is a list of just a fraction of the miracle foods that can currently be found in my growing, largely rotting, collection.
1. Jesus-shaped soft pretzel from a Detroit Tigers game.
2. Kenny Loggins image on an un-toasted English muffin.
3. Dorito shaped like Tyler Winklevoss' head.
4. A ketchup stain that sort of looks like Bea Arthur.
5. Summer squash that resembles Martin Short's Ed Grimley character.
6. Artie Lange's image stamped onto a tortilla.
7. Frito corn chip shaped like June 2003's Playboy Playmate of the Month, Markéta Jánská.
8. A pancake half-eaten by Nicolas Cage that kind of resembles Dame Judy Dench.
9. A BBQ-flavored Pringle shaped like Kryten from Red Dwarf.
10. Two fused peanuts that resemble filmmaker Martin Scorsese and Green Bay Packers general manager Ted Thompson sharing a milkshake.
11. A gourd shaped like that actor from The Blind Side. You know the guy. The big, black guy. Him.
12. Judy Garland exposing her posterior to Marvin the Martian stamped onto a tortilla.
13. Maury Povich-shaped Slim Jim
14. An animal cracker shaped like Joseph Merrick.
15. Current Speaker of the House John Boehner's portrait seared into a grilled ham and cheese sandwich.
16. Superchunk drummer Jon Wurster riding a fire-breathing unicorn with rocket launchers attached to her hooves stamped onto a tortilla.
17. Luis Guzman-shaped Chips Ahoy.
18. A half-bag of flour shaped like Joy Behar.
19. Kevin Bacon-shaped piece of bacon
