1. If your first reaction to the tragedy in Japan this week was to take to your Facebook page or your Twitter feed and quote scripture about earthquakes being a harbinger of Jesus' return and not, "What can I do to help," you are a horrible, horrible person. Mere minutes after I learned of the devastation in Japan I saw this posted on Facebook:
10 Then he said to them: “Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. 11 There will be great earthquakes, famines and pestilences in various places, and fearful events and great signs from heaven. (Luke 21:10-11)
Are you kidding me? Whatever happened to old Christian mantra "I'll be praying for you?" Sure, the sentiment, while nice in its way, means next to nothing, but it's better than seemingly rejoicing in the destruction of almost an entire country because you have some misguided notion that it means you'll soon be flying around in heaven hocking loogies on all us sinners below. You know what you are if you saw the footage of boats lying atop the roofs of abandoned houses, driver-less cars floating in fetid floodwaters, and elderly Japanese women being pulled out of rubble? A MINDLESS AUTOMATON, A SLAVE TO IRRATIONAL HOKUM, A RELIGIOUS ZOMBIE SO FAR UP YOUR CHOSEN FAITH'S BUNGHOLE YOU CAN NO LONGER SEE WHAT REALLY MATTERS: HUMAN COMPASSION, LOVE FOR ONE'S NEIGHBOR, AND BASIC RESPECT FOR YOUR FELLOW MAN. BUT NO, YOU'D RATHER QUOTE SCRIPTURE AND MARK ANOTHER DAY OFF YOUR RAPTURE CALENDAR. ENJOY YOUR DISASTER PORN, YOU DEATH-LOVING LUNATICS!
(Seriously, if you'd like to donate a few bucks to relief efforts in Japan, you can visit redcross.org OR head over to iTunes and make a donation there--it's super easy! There's a whole texting thing too, but I don't text, so, you know...)
2. Have you seen this commercial where three kids are waiting to be picked up after soccer practice? I think it's for some kind of insurance. Anyway, the mom of two of the kids waiting pulls up in her SUV and calls out the window, "C'mon, guys, your dad is waiting at the airport." Her little brats come a-running, but the mother's gaze lingers on the lone boy on the bleachers. "You got a ride, Danny?" she calls to the neglected red-head. "Yeah," he responds, throwing a wave to his teammates. So the mom starts driving away with this look of deep concern on her face. Cut to: the lonely forgotten boy sitting alone in the dark and then, out of the shadows, the mom and his teammates reappear, deciding to wait with him until his parents show up. Aw, it's cute, right? Just one question: WHAT ABOUT DAD? ISN'T HE WAITING AT THE AIRPORT? DID YOU GUYS CALL DAD, LET HIM KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON OR DID YOU JUST GO, 'DAD'S A BIG BOY, HE CAN WAIT A LITTLE LONGER?" YEAH, BECAUSE PEOPLE LOVE MILLING AROUND AN AIRPORT TERMINAL.
Also, WHERE IS THE COACH? WHAT KIND OF COACH JUST LEAVES A BUNCH OF KIDS TO FEND FOR THEMSELVES AFTER PRACTICE? I THINK THE PARENTS NEED TO HAVE A MEETING ABOUT THIS SICKO THEY LET HANG AROUND THEIR KIDS AN HOUR A WEEK.
3. Kacey Jordan (seen here giving 'porn mouth') tried to kill herself this week. Not familiar with Kacey? That's what she's afraid of, hence, the disturbing tweets:
Jordan was one of Charlie Sheen's girlfriends, in fact, she was the one with him when he experienced that full-on coke freak-out in January. She also famous for performing sex acts on film, having a puffy vagina (her nickname is K-Puff, after all), and having had four abortions over the course of her 22 years of life. So, yeah, she's a class act. While Charlie's rocket ride to insanity still provides the occasional chuckle, coupled with head shake and the utterance, "Oh, Charlie," Jordan's kinda been left in the dust (or is that cocaine residue?). So, attempted suicide.
But then, people started to forget about her again. "A porn star tried to commit suicide? Yawwwwn!" So what did K-Puff do? She called up E! News and explained that she wasn't trying to commit suicide. Like, gah, you guys, for sure.
"It was not as bad as the first report said...The cops were called because I was a disturbance in the hotel and I was mad when they got there," she says. "I chugged a glass of Jack and Coke in front of them and threw the glass on the ground before telling them to take me."
SHUT UP! NO ONE CARES!
4. To the piece of human garbage who honked his horn at me yesterday when I was walking to my car: I'M A PEDESTRIAN!!! I'VE GOT THE RIGHT-OF-WAY, YOU CREEP!!! I KNOW YOU WERE IN A RUSH, BUT NOT TO WORRY: I THINK THE METHADONE CLINIC IS OPEN LATE ON FRIDAYS.
5. Speaking of Fridays, I assume you've all seen this by now:
I know what you're expecting, but I also know that you know me well enough to know that I rarely do what one expects. I don't have a beef with Rebecca Black. She seems like a nice enough 13-year-old girl. It's a bad song. Bad songs happen. Sometimes they happen to good people. Sometimes they happen to a lot of different teenage girls whose parents pay a soulless, money-hungry group of opportunists to record and auto-tune their marginally talented daughter's voice and make her feel like a pop-star for a day. There's nothing wrong with that. I mean, there is, but that's not the issue right now.
Here's the problem: she's 13-years-old. LAY OFF HER, TROLLS! Really, what purpose does it serve to plaster a child's YouTube page with vicious insults, some of which were discussed when Black appeared on GMA yesterday:
She's a little girl, man, c'mon! She doesn't even seem like a horrible little girl, like one of those bitches from, well, any show currently running on Mtv. Who would you rather spend a Friday night "parytin' partyin YEAH" with: Rebecca Black or Deena of Jersey Shore? Black or Teen Mom 2's Jenelle?
To the joyless dick who wrote, "I hope you cut yourself and I hope you get an eating disorder so you'll look pretty and I hope you go cut and die," I say this: First, nice sentence, brainiac. And second, YOU KISS YOUR MOTHER WHO LETS YOU LIVE IN HER BASEMENT RENT FREE AND HEATS UP YOUR SMART-ONES FOR YOU WITH THAT MOUTH?! SHE'S A CHILD AND YOU'RE A CREEP. WHAT ARE YOU DOING WATCHING THE 'FRIDAY' VIDEO FOR, YOU WEIRDO? Actually, what am I doing watching it? I've watched, like, seven times since yesterday. It's so damn catchy!
I do have one issue with the video however: WHO GAVE THAT 11-YEAR-OLD BOY A DRIVER'S LICENSE?!?
