Enough already with the girly dance-dance--it's time for something a little more man-sized. You know what that means: the sweet science...the old punchy punchy bleed bleed...float like a butterfly, sting like some kind of stinging insect, like, maybe a wasp or something...
I'm talking about boxing! Is there anything more mantastic? I watch two dopey sweat-glazed mooks throwing haymakers at each other in a filthy ring while onlookers scream for bloody satisfaction and I get a soul-boner. Yeah, I said it, a soul boner. It's not the kind of boner people can see poking out of your gym shorts. It's more spiritual than that, though who am I to say you can't experience spiritual fulfillment chub-popping at your local gymnasium. You keep doing that if that's you're thing, baby.
Forget all that spirity hokum though: tonight I was rarin' to do it up Tyson-style! In fact, I was excited all day long--no foolin'--knowing that when I got home this evening I was going to start my journey on the path to better living through pretend beating the shit out of dudes.
So, sure, I was a little disappointed when I was reminded that the video's title was actually 10 Minute Solution: Kickbox Bootcamp and not 10 Minutes Til You're Beating Fools Up, Son! But what did it matter really? Kickboxing is just boxing with an kick added here and there, right?
Then I met my trainer: Keli Roberts.
Now, I don't have an issue with Ms. Roberts because she is a woman--and an Australian one at that--I just don't trust people who spell "Kelly" with one "l" and an "i." That might work in Australia, mate, but last time I looked I don't see any jackaroos or whatever it is you people toss on the barbie next to all that shrimp. This is America. And in America, we give our "Kellys" two "l's."
So, OK, I'm doing kickboxing with Keli. It didn't take me long to shift into kickboxing mode. Admittedly, it isn't much different than boxing mode. Next, I have to sit through an introduction to the video that basically lays out the five, 10-minute sections I will have to conquer to become an amateur kickboxing champion probably. These sections are:
-Basic Training (Obvs.)
-Ultimate Buns and Thighs ('kay. Not entirely sure how that relates to kicking dudes in the face, but all right.)
-Arm and Shoulder Sculptor (Maybe.)
-Washboard Abs (Yes, please.)
-Fat-Burning Blast
"This'll be a breeze," I thought.
"MAKE IT STOP OH GOD I'M DYING PLEASE DON'T LET ME DIE SWEET JESUS PLEASE," I was thinking five minutes into "Basic Training."
That being said, 10 Minute Solution: Kickboxing Bootcamp is super awesome. I got a great cardiac workout and Keli, despite her one "l," is an excellent trainer/coach. I'm not going to lie, the first time out was a bit on the painful side, but, hey, I'm new to this, OK! The fact is, I did the kicks and punches, I kept up with Keli, and I didn't stop moving until the 10 minutes were up. And as I write this, I feel amazing.
My goals: Do the 10-minute "Basic Training" portion of the video every day after work; speak with my wife about pursuing ultimate buns--I already have a pretty great butt, but making them "ultimate" may cause problems in our relationship; consider having pre-fab washboard abs simply inserted under the skin.
