This Saturday is the 9 year anniversary of the worst terrorist attack on American soil. It's also International Burn A Koran Day (Or it was? Still is? Might not be? I dunno.). Pastor Terry Jones, seen here standing outside of the ironically named Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, FL, is the brains behind this brainless operation. He may look like a friendly dude, with his well-trimmed facial hair and blue ribbon smile, but I assure you, he is a fiery sumbitch with a passion for book burning, or as he calls them, "word stories what give me a headache." Jones believes that Islam is nothing but Satanism-with-a-turban-on and has, in the past, manufactured t-shirts and yard signs expressing this hateful point-of-view. His congregation--currently some 50 idiots strong--is ready to deal Islam one final blow this September 11th (maybe) by burning copies of the Muslim holy book, the Koran. But why stop at the Koran? Seriously. There are all kinds of things that need burnin' up. Why set aside one day to torch something millions of people hold dear? This great country could easily be covered with bonfires every day of the damn week if we put our minds to it and really got down to business. GEP has a couple of ideas of what we can start with, followed by the reasons why said items need to be torched and torched now. Grab your matches, morons!
1. The Bible
*Unapologetically promotes incest, infanticide, misogyny, slavery, and a whole host of other anti-social behaviors.
*Used by youth group pastors to keep teenage boys from having sex with teenage girls. (It's the only time in your lives that you can legally bang teenage girls, fellas. Think about it.)
*Mel Gibson's really into it.
*Constantly being used by radical Christians, hate groups, and crazed loners to justify their horrible actions.
*The book of Numbers is soooooo boring.
2. The Twilight Saga
*Suggests that vampires "sparkle."
*Has been known to render middle-aged women permanently insane.
*Promotes a dangerous POV of young love.
*Possibly Mormon brain washing propaganda.
*Suggests that vampires play baseball. (Vampires don't play baseball. They conspire to open hellmouths and speak in Southern accents.)
3. The American Flag
*Viewed as a symbol of hope by immigrants, the disenfranchised, and various other perverts, and we can't have that.
*Thinks its better than us.
*Can totally get you high, man.
4. The Family Circus: By Request
*So damn unfunny.
