Panic in the Streets (1950)
The pneumonic plague has come to New Orleans and it's up to Dr. Clinton Reed of the U.S. Public Health Service to stop it. Reed teams up with Captain Tom Warren of the New Orleans Police Department to round up anyone connected to the plague-infected body of a recent murder victim found shot up in the river. Meanwhile, local laundromat owner/murderer, Blackie, and his overweight right-hand man, Fitch, unaware that they are both breeding grounds for a deadly disease, run around N'awlins doing criminal-type stuff. (SPOILER ALERT--There is very little panicking in the streets.)
My grade: B
Man Bites Dog (It Happened in Your Neighborhood) (1992)
There are more graphic shooting deaths in the first 6 minutes of Man Bites Dog then in the whole of Saving Private Ryan. For those of you unsure of what I'm getting at, there is a whole lot of shootin' goin' on. Man Bites Dog is kind of ahead of its time. It is essentially a satire of reality television, which is interesting considering reality television wasn't nearly the phenomenon that it is today in 1992. The film is a "documentary" that follows the day to day life of a charismatic thrill killer named Benoit. Between strangling a lady on the train, shooting random strangers in the guts, giving an old lady a scream-induced heart attack, and viciously attacking mailmen, Benoit philosophizes on modern life, usually with a drink in his hand. He's smart, well-spoken, close with his family, a loyal friend, and utterly terrifying. As the film progresses, Benoit invites the film crew to participate in his various crimes, which they do with a nauseating gusto. Pretty soon, the film's director and sound guy are tossing corpses into the quarry at Benoit's direction. They even join Benoit in a stomach-churning Christmas Eve rape-stravaganza. There are only so many murders one can commit, however, before one eventually murders a member of the Italian mafia. Things, as you've probably guessed, do not go well for Benoit and friends after that. No, sir.
My grade: B-
Spoiler Alert: Film contains the most uncomfortable birthday party scene ever.
Help wanted: Man Bites Dog's crew goes through sound men like Spinal Tap goes through drummers.
Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954)
As far as famous Universal movie monsters go, the Creature from the Black Lagoon looks the coolest. The movie surrounding him (or her?), however, is an utter waste of time. The story is boring, the characters are flat, the score is irritating, and the underwater scenes are unbelievably bland. Is this what passed as horror back in the day? Listen, I wasn't expecting eviscerated scientists and heads exploding into geysers of blood, but maybe something a little scarier than a scaly hand accompanied by some blaring Henry Mancini. The film follows a group of scientists traveling down the Amazon River to collect fossils. Fun times, right? Unbeknownst to them, the crew is being pursued by a curious creature, known in some circles as Gill-man. I prefer the moniker Fishface McGulicutty, but what are you gonna do? Anyway, Gill-man kills some folks and runs off with the sole female on the excursion, the buxom Ms. Kay Lawrence, who really fills out a bathing suit nicely I must say. Will Gill-man whisk Kay away to his underwater caves and make her his fish bride or will Dr. David Reed save his beloved from the Gill-man's scaly clutches so that the two of them can get married and move forward with their exciting lungfish research? Will Mark capture Gill-man and put him on display at the Institute or will his "harpoon first, ask questions later" attitude earn him a one way ticket to a watery grave? Will you, the viewer, be able to stay awake and find out the answers to all of these ridiculous questions or will you experience the soundest sleep you've had in years?
My grade: C-
Chocolate (2008)
Zen is a young autistic girl who can watch a kung-fu movie on TV and instantly replicate the moves. Using this uncanny ability, she and her fat friend, Moom, venture into the city to collect debts owed to her mother, a former member of the criminal underground and a current cancer sufferer. That's basically it. There are a ton of mind-blowing action sequences and more ladyboys then you can even begin to imagine.
My grade: A-
What's with the title?: I think it's because Zen eats chocolate a lot.
Martial arts firsts: I guarantee Chocolate is the first film of the genre to feature both Autistic Style and Tourette's Style fighting techniques.
