It's A Great Job If You Can Get It

13. Mall Cop

Description: Our nation's malls need protecting and who better to do it then former police officers considered too old or too obese to walk the beat, high school drop-outs, and you? Stride through your local mall with your head held high--you're a mall cop, buddy, and you're the law in this here shopping establishment.

Skills Needed: rudimentary knowledge of common Segway procedures; ability to grow comical facial hair if required; severe lack of shame.

Availability: Mall coppery is big right now. Movies like Paul Blart: Mall Cop and Observe and Report (along with my forthcoming whodunit Murder in the Food Court: A Marty the Mall Cop Mystery) have made being a mall pig cool again. Expect a line at this interview, folks.

14. Indie Rock Luminary

Description: Do you have something original to say and just enough musical ability to say it in a way hipsters and music snobs can both get into? Does your dad own a cabin? If so, get ready for musical stardom, my friend.

Skills Needed: recent trauma you can turn into mediocre songs; well-established connections in the music biz; a rich father with an awesome cabin.

Availability: The world could always use another troubadour, a man (or woman) who can take society's common problems and put them to music, alleviate our collective suffering with a well-crafted pop song. So, grab a guitar and a four-track and head up to your dad's cabin for a month or two. Oh, your dad doesn't own a cabin? Maybe you should just apply at Whole Foods. 15. Street Preacher

Description: Do you like Jesus, yelling, and making people uncomfortable? If you answered yes to every one of those questions, stop what you're doing, find a street, and starting preaching on it. You don't need any fancypants schooling or even the ability to read. All you need is a basic knowledge of the faith of your choice and a loud speaking voice and you don't even need really need either of those things.

Skills needed: a knack for creative poster design; your own Bible (this could mean a copy you've picked up at a flea market, one that has been handed down from family member to family member, or a written record of what the voices in your head have been whispering to you over the past few months that you refer to as your 'Bible'); a crazy glint in your eye.

Availability: There is an empty corner in an America city right now just aching for a street preacher to set up shop and start angrily screaming about the love of Jesus Christ. Will you heed the call? 16. Child Street Preacher

Description: Who says only adults are to blame for the current economic crisis in America? Kids did some of that shit too. Teach your children a lesson by forcing them to walk the streets for donations, not as child prostitutes like in olden times, but as child street preachers. The word of God has never sounded creepier than when screamed by a toddler in a bow tie.

Skills Needed: a tiny suit; the opposite of an 'inside voice'; outrageous views on the end of the world, abortion, homosexuality, and a million other topics a child could barely understand

Availability: I need a child preacher for a party I'm throwing this weekend, so, there you go.