It's A Great Job If You Can Get It

Job #5: A dog whisperer

Description: Notice that I specifically used "a" and not "the" in the job title. You're not going to have your own reality TV show. And no one is going to buy your book on dog discipline, no matter how many hours you spent on Wikipedia researching everything. And, sure, it may take awhile for anyone in your community to even take you seriously (I mean, c'mon, a guy who "whispers" to dogs? It's preposterous!). But Cesar Millan can't get to every dog you needs him, so what's the harm in doing a little dog whispering of your very own? I don't see any reason not to, I mean, you don't have to be a licensed veterinarian. Right?

Skills Needed: high tolerance for stinky breath; pocket full of dog biscuits; must love dogs

Availability: Hell, you can start right now with my neighbor's dog, you know, the one who barks at the moon all night and recently mauled a toddler. That dog is a jerk.
Job #6: Hollywood Movie Star

Description: You know those people out in California who live in gigantic mansions and have more money than God? Yeah, how'd you like to be one of them? You don't even have to be particularly good at acting.

Skills Needed: willingness to align yourself with one or more of the following: Scientology, Kabbalah, tsunami relief fundraising, the Democratic party, rehab, Judaism, hookers; inflated sense of self; high tolerance for Billy Bush.

Availability: Hundreds of wannabes travel to Los Angeles every day hoping to be the next Dylan Sprouse or Julia Stiles. Prepare yourself for a possible detour into the hardcore porn industry. Or skip gang bangs and testicle punching (it's a thing) altogether, buy yourself a super hero costume, and join the has-beens and never-wases on Hollywood Blvd who pose with Japanese tourists for shitty tips. Keep that acting dream alive though and try not to snort too much meth.
Job #7: Vh1 Reality Game Show Contestant

Description: Humiliate yourself for cash, cultural infamy, and loveless sex with D-list celebrities. I don't know if you've noticed, but the most colorful Vh1 reality contestants end up getting their own shows (I Love New York; the upcoming Daisy of Love), so, you know, skank it up!

Skills Needed: ability to wear less than dental floss while tongue-kissing Bret Michaels on national television and still be able to face your family at the next holiday gathering; overactive salivary glands; a family history of alcoholism; a self-hatred so deep that it only becomes obvious to you after being rejected by Flavor Flav twice; Hello Kitty tattoos.

Availability: Vh1 is always looking for new tramps, skanks, and himbos. Sign up today!
Job #8: Cult leader

Description: Pick a god (or make one up!), type up a list of rules, mating rituals, and crazy predictions, gather a bunch of lonely outsiders together in some kind of compound, and, when the time is exactly right, have everyone ingest poison-laced Girl Scout cookies, for it is only in death that one can gain admittance to the solar-powered space train bound for Peroxi-Quan 9, the Planet of Angels.

Skills Needed: ability to preach insanely fucked-up dogma without cracking a smile; must look dashing in purple gown and shaved head; not being sentimentally attached to your testicles is a plus; access to a copier--you've got a lot of holy scripture to pass out before the Apocalypse comes.

Availability: I started two new cults last week--one of them prays to Riff-Nak, a god-like being with the body of a walrus and Dustin Hoffman's head who lives at the center of the Moon--so, you know, brainstorm some ideas and start throwing stuff out there until something sticks!