Every couple of years one sub-species of the horror genre will break from the pack and reign supreme for a bit. Eventually the movie-going public will tire of it, neglect it, and the once popular cinematic force withers and dies, alone and unmourned. 1978's Halloween begat a glut of Slasher Flicks in the 80's; in the late 90's self-referential horror held sway in the form of Wes Craven's Scream series; and for a titch, horror fans of the New Millennium were treated to a plethora of films lovingly referred to as "torture porn."
During the short period between 1999 and 2001 though, horror audiences had splashy, big-budget, CGI-heavy remakes of 60's horror films, movies like The Haunting, House on Haunted Hill, and today's pick, Thirteen Ghosts...oops, I'm sorry, Thir13een Ghosts. My bad.
Thirteen Ghosts doesn't sport as impressive a cast as The Haunting (Liam Neeson, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Owen Wilson to Ghosts' Tony Shalhoub, Shannon Elizabeth, and Matthew Lillard), nor does it come from as illustrious source material (a wonderful novel by Shirley Jackson vs. a 1960 gimmick film directed by William Castle), but it is clearly the better of the two. And apart from Lisa Loeb's cameo appearance, I can't remember much of House on Haunted Hill.
But we're here to talk about Thirteen Ghosts and not the flashy-but-empty-headed movies from which it was spawned. Ghosts is just as empty-headed, mind you, but the flashy is so much flashier.
The story is a familiar one: a rich uncle he's never met leaves Arthur Kriticos a creepy glass house in his will. The Kriticos family, who is dirt poor and living in a cramped apartment following the death of the family matriarch, jump at the chance to move into nicer digs. It doesn't take long before family members become separated, walls begin moving, and Matthew Lillard starts overacting his ass off. Arthur learns that his uncle was a ghost hunter and the house he and his children have just moved into is actually a demonic machine meant to open the Eye of Hell using the power of 12 ghosts Uncle Cyrus has locked up in the basement. The ghosts cannot get out of their cells though because of the spells etched into the glass walls surrounding them. A greedy lawyer sets the whole movie into gear when he retrieves his payment for services rendered from the evil machine's command center. Gears start turning, ghosts get loose, and Matthew Lillard overacts his ass off...sorry, I've already said that.
In the orginal 1960's film, William Castle provided the audience with special glasses that allowed them to see the invisible ghosts terrorizing his actors. In the update, our characters wear the glasses and we just sorta follow them around. It is never really explained what the glasses are made of or how they work, but I guess we're not supposed to think about it. I guess were also not supposed to ask how Arthur justifies paying for a full time nanny for his son when all he does is complain about how poor he is and has a daughter who is perfectly capable of taking care of her brother. That nanny is played by someone named Rah Digga, by the way. Just thought you might want to know.
Thirteen Ghosts is probably the best of the late 90's-early 2000's big-budget 60's remake movies, but that isn't saying much. For every genuine scare, there's Matthew Lillard yammering and drooling. For every heart-wrenching Tony Shaloub-missing-his-wife moment, there's Matthew Lillard convulsing on the floor and drooling. But every time things get too grim, Rah Digga's there with a sassy comment to make it all better. You're right, Ms. Digga, white people are crazy.
