On this the Lord's day, we turn our attention to 1977's Haunts, the story of one religious woman's battle with her own inner demons and the various men who ignore her mental instability. Because this movie is such a convoluted mess and the recording I viewed was taken from a supremely shitty print, it's easier to discuss its high and low points in list form. This should make for a more appealing post than if I simply described the moronic plot, pathetic cast of characters, piss poor editing, and uneven score. Shall we? 1. What's up with everybody in town having a jelly shed? Seriously, why can't these people keep their various jams, jellies, and fruit preserves in the kitchen cabinet like normal people. Something tells me that these are the kind of people that inhabit the "Real America" that Sarah Palin keeps talking about. If real Americans keep their fruit spread in outdoor jelly sheds, sheds that can be used as hiding places and dumping grounds for dangerous psychopaths, consider me un-American.
2. Horror movies from the 1970's and rape go together like cheese and crackers. What's up with that?3. The synopsis provided by Mill Creek Entertainment, the masterminds behind the Chilling Classics 5o Movie Pack from which I obtained this movie (as well as A Bucket of Blood, Snowbeast, Funeral Home, and Slashed Dreams), promises "shocking twists and turns [that] bring you to a surprise ending." I'm a fan of shocking twists and turns! The promise of shocking twists and turns are what made me choose Haunts over its DVD mate Werewolf in a Girl's Dormitory (which I hope to get to before October is over)! Let me tell you about these shocking twists and turns, my friends. Oh, they're definitely shocking--shockingly awful! And once we get the first shocking twist (or was that the turn?), we get another, and another, and yet another. The movie finally collapses in on itself. What starts as a by-the-numbers slasher film becomes a dopey, badly-lit, poorly acted psychological thriller only a moron could love...
4. ...or this guy. During the process of watching and reviewing scary movies for this month long feature, I've greatly enjoyed visiting the Internet Movie Database to find what other people think. This is especially amusing when it's a movie I despise, like Haunts. IMDBer Scott LeBrun has a decidedly different take on the film, a point of view I'd like to quickly examine."Writers Anne Marisse and Herb Freed (Freed also co-produced and directed) certainly have the right name for their movie."
Really? Haunts? Why? LeBrun goes on to write that Haunting would be an even betterer name because he apparently found the movie spooky and unsettling. I found it hackneyed and stupid. I think a better name would have been Rape Trauma Momma or Scissors and Psychos or, if you want to stick with the one word title thing, Crap. What does Haunts even mean in the context of this film?
"...the rather murky photography simply adds to the gloomy feeling throughout."
I think the murky photography can be attributed to the low budget. I don't know what print Mr. LeBrun saw, but in my copy, whenever it was night, I couldn't see anything. I could hear noises that may have been people, but my television screen was nothing but an empty void. I wouldn't describe the feeling provoked by this murkiness as "gloomy." Boring is probably more accurate.
"While I have to wonder if the plot would hold up to close scrutiny, it still did a great job of reeling me in and maintaining my interest. Overall, this is a well realized, genuinely spooky low-budget horror film that's worth checking out. I'm certainly glad that I did."
It maintained your interest, eh? I fell asleep. I had to watch this film in two installments. Maybe that's why I'm so pissed off. No one should have to spend more than the 98 minute running time with Haunts. I'd venture to say that the film is not well-realized, in fact, it's very clear the screenwriters had no idea how to end this piece of shit, and if Haunts is considered "spooky" by Mr. LeBrun, I'd love to hear his thoughts on The Exorcist. He'd probably shit his pants or die of a panic-induced heart attack. If you are genuinely spooked by anything in Haunts, your day-to-day life has got to be almost unbearable. I mean, if the events of Haunts are scary to you, I wouldn't suggest reading your daily newspaper.
Actually, I lied. There is one genuinely creepy moment in Haunts. The scene in which our hero, Ingrid, sensually milks a goat is extremely disturbing. Don't watch that part with the lights out. Yikes.
