Footprints in the Sand II"I could eat," Jesus said. "But first, check out the sky real quick. There's some pretty sweet images from your life that I want you to check out."
The scenes were pretty cool, I guess. Some of that stuff I would've rather left in the past, but, what, I'm going to argue with Jesus? I don't think so! Plus, everything seemed to happen on a beach for some reason, including the night I found my wife in bed with Jerry from work, which I'm almost one-hundred percent sure happened at my house.
So, I'm watching this celestial picture show and I realize that during some of the worst times in my life, there's only one set of footprints. So, I'm, like, "Jesus?"
"What's up, bro?"
"Um, you said that if I was a loyal friend to you and stuff that you would walk alongside me all the time, but I've noticed that during some of my darkest moments there's only one set of prints in the sand."
"Nooooo. Really?"
"It was just up there in the sky, Jesus."
"Let me see that," and Jesus played back the highlight reel of my life. "Oh, you know what that was," he said. "That was the time I was helping my Dad protect this little girl in a small town in Louisiana from being murdered by a Satanic cult. It was this whole thing. Took up the whole weekend."
"But, Jesus, that was the weekend my daughter was mauled by a genetically enhanced Tibetan mastiff. She doesn't have a face anymore."
"That's rough," Jesus said. "So, um, what were you thinking? Seafood?
Nothing good can come from visiting a small town. Ask the Waits family. Ask Linda Hamilton. Hell, ask Paris Hilton! If you thought Nilbog was the most shitastic vacation destination in these United States, than you haven't been to Haven, Louisiana.
The people of Haven call on college professor and miracle buzzkiller, Katherine Winter, to help them figure out why their river has turned to blood. The townspeople blame 12 year old Loren McConnell, a filthy blond-haired girl who lives in the swamp with her outcast mother. The river turned to blood shortly after Loren was found standing over the dead body of her older brother and many suspect she is close friends with Lucifer himself. The truth is quite different, and pretty predictable, but that doesn't stop The Reaping from being a fairly interesting little film.
After the whole bloody river thing, frogs fall from the sky Magnolia-style, maggots appear from nowhere to ruin a backyard barbecue, and cows start stumbling around like drunk chicks on Franklin Street on Halloween night. Katherine, who lost her faith years ago when her daughter and husband were sliced to bits by a hulking African witch doctor, believes there is a logical explanation for each event, while her partner, Ben, a heavily tattooed churchgoer, thinks maybe this repeat display of Biblical plagues is a little more supernatural in nature.
Is Loren causing these plagues to destroy the town of Haven? Well, kind of. She does seem to be able to control the swarm of locusts that come to her rescue when the sheriff, an angry redneck, and his boy come to execute her in her front yard.
Is good old boy Doug everything he claims to be? Hmmmm. Maybe not.
Is the town of Haven a good choice of venue for your next camping trip or family reunion? Not unless you're a fan of Satanic cults.
The Reaping failed when it was initially released, in fact, I remember making fun of the trailer upon seeing it for the first time. I can admit when I've been too hasty to judge. OK. Heregoes: I was too hasty to judge. There. You happy? At least I can admit when I'm wrong! That's more than I can say for some people...
Sorry. Where was I? The Reaping. This is the kind of Christian-themed horror movie I can get behind. I don't know about you, but Fireproof just looks too frightening. There are some disturbing images you can't forget. Kirk Cameron dressed as a firefighter will forever haunt my dreams and I only have myself to blame. And Kirk Cameron.
