America's Next Top Model-Cycle 11: Week 1 (Part 1)

It's that time again, bitches. America's Next Top Model is back and not a moment too soon. I was suffering from severe Tyra withdrawl. Unfortunately, List Lady will be too busy to comment on this season's festivities, so if you'll have me, I'd love to guide you through this year's fashion challenges, runway tutorials, and general bitchery. I want to thank List Lady again for her time in the trenches last cycle. Commenting on and analyzing a show like ANTM is a difficult task, but I'm up for it. Here's to a fierce cycle!

Entertainment Weekly posted pictures of this cycle's 14 model wannabes, so I was able to check out the girls early. I decided to pick three favorites based purely on looks, more specifically the ones that I personally found most attractive. And here they are in random order:

Hannnah

Before the show: This Alaskan beauty has a young fresh look, an innocent look that says, "Hey, captain of the high school hockey team, why don't you come on over here and impregnate me." Those Alaskan teeangers!

After the show: OK, Hannah, we get it. You grew up poor in Alaska and were once chased by a moose. Not only is Hannah kinda-sorta obnoxious, but next week we learn she might also be racist.

Marjorie

Before the show: This will be the pick my sister expects from me. She's got short, boyish hair and looks like an elongated French pixie. My sister will claim she is ugly. My sister will be wrong.

After the show: Marjorie is the most delightful member of this cycle's cast. Her low self-confidence will inevitably grow tiresome, but right now I'm hooked. She reminds me of Amelie. I love Amelie.

Sheena

Before the show: Sheena is half Japanese and half Korean.

After the show: Somehow she is also half Black.

As usual, Tyra is tackling yet another big issue this year. Last season it was female circumcision. The year before Asperger's. For Cycle 11, Tyra presents Isis, the pre-op transsexual. Ms. J has already commended Isis for not coming to the program with an agenda, but it's for damn sure Tyra's busy working one up for her. Joining these lucky 4 in the final 14 are Analeigh (the former figure skater), Brittany (the first African-American to appear on the cover of Las Vegas Weekly), Clark (the so-pretty-she's-boring one), Joslyn (tried out for ANTM 30 times prior to being chosen for Cycle 11), Lauren Brie (I believe Tyra said she looked "ugly pretty"), McKey (the mixed martial artist), Nikeysha (the spazz), Samantha (this cycle's dumb one), Sharaun (the cocky one), and Elina (sorta-gay, always wears black, plans to use the show as a platform to champion a bunch of causes--ugh).

Coming soon-Part 2: The America's Next Top Model Institute of Technology, Tyra knows her American Lit, an outbreak of yellow fever, and a Saved by the Bell alum attempts a comeback.