76-year-old simian superstar Cheeta the Chimp is ready to make a comeback. Apparently this will include a memoir, an iTunes exclusive cover of the song "Convoy," and a music video which will show the chimp "on film as he drives a buggy and eyes a bikini clad girl." Whether or not he leaps from the buggy and wildly masturbates on the girl has yet to be disclosed.
If you are beside yourself with joy over the prospect of a famous monkey's autobiography, you should consider seeking professional help. I mean, I didn't know Cheeta was still alive and diabetic, and just knowing that is enough for me. I don't need a memoir to fill in the gaps. I don't care.
Most interesting to me is the fact that Cheeta has attempted to get his own star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame seven times and seven times he has been flatly denied. So, let me get this straight: Paula Abdul can have a star on the Walk of Fame, but Cheeta the Chimp, star of 12 Tarzan movies, can't? Puff Daddy and the Olsen Twins are so much more worthy of stars then a 76-year-old chimp who can eat cake with a fork like a human man?! Kirstie Alley is more deserving of a permenant memorial on the streets of Hollywood then a chimpanzee who can drive a buggy and get it on with hot chicks in sexy swimsuits? And before you leave comments saying, "Well, it is kind of silly to give a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame to a chimp," keep in mind that Big Bird, Godzilla, Lassie, and Winnie the Pooh have their own stars. Hell, Pat Boone has two (no, really). You mean he's not willing to give one to Cheeta? C'mon, Pat, do it for America.
You know what, Cheeta, from what I've heard, being memorialized on the Hollywood Walk of Fame is bullshit. You don't need that. You'd probably get stuck next to Ricky Martin or Pat Sajak anyway. Or they'd put you in some out the way place, like in front of a crack-house. You're better off just writing your memoirs and drinking your Caffeine-Free Diet Coke. Trust me, your memories of the good old days swinging through the trees with Johnny Weissmuller are ten times more fulfilling then having a star on some sidewalk a bum probably pees on all the time.