A rare turtle, thought to be extinct, was rediscovered in Vietnam this week. He's not the cutest reptile in the universe, in fact, it kind of looks to me like he tried to take his own life with a shotgun blast to the face and failed, but who am I to question the design instincts of God. The whole thing got me thinking about some of my favorite giant mythical turtles, most of which are much cuter than this ugly son of a bitch. Sorry, sorry. That's inappropriate. He can't help it.
Bowser: He's a turtle, right? Well, he's certainly turtley enough for our purposes here. Bowser has come a long way from the original Super Mario Brothers in which simply jumping over him and touching a golden axe was enough to send him plummeting into the lava below his retractable bridge. Now he can drive a go-kart, travel through space, and participate in the Summer Olympics (he dominates in Hammer Throw!)
Gamera: He may be big, scaly, and sharp-toothed like Godzilla, but Gamera loves children (as opposed to stomping on them and everything else for that matter). Not only that, but this giant space turtle can fly. He's one of the rare giant rubber monsters that want to preserve the peaceful world of the Japanese rather than turn it into a smoldering rubble.
Turtle Man: Not quite as popular as the Church Lady or George Bush or Massive Head Wound Harry or really any of Dana Carvey's characters, Turtle Man (or Turtle Guy, depending on how you remember the movie trailer) is...um, something. I haven't seen the bright-shining classic that is Master of Disguise, but I do remember this jolly, fat rube in his green suit and tiny glasses. If you don't remember, check him out here. As far as I can tell, Turtle Man is much more turtley than anybody else in this so-called Turtle Club. So, yeah, Turtle Man is stupid.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Oh, man, what child of the 90's doesn't love these guys? There was a cartoon, action figures, a live action movie, a breakfast cereal, an Archie comic series, and a rock album featuring the heart-wrenching ballad Skipping Stones sung by the Turtle's sensei, Master Splinter. While some young men's lives were turned upside down when Optimus Prime swore on the big screen, it was Raphael's exclamation of "damn" that rocked my world. I remember it was a big topic of discussion in my elementary school music class. Their latest incarnation was minor (but I would argue quite enjoyable), but these turtle boys will always be one of my favorite memories of growing up.
Let us know who we missed. Leave a comment or write to us at giantpengy@yahoo.com.
