We've all been there: you meet the woman or man of your dreams, you date for awhile, you slowly (or quickly) fall in love, and you get opposite married. It is a beautiful, government-sanctioned time in a straight couples' life together. Maybe you buy a house. Perhaps you rescue a canine companion from the local animal shelter. All that really matters is that you are happily bonded together until one of you croaks. Ah, marriage!
But then, almost immediately, you've got people (friends; co-workers; relatives you haven't heard from in years; random strangers at the Harris Teeter who notice the ring on your finger and believe this an invitation to speak with you at length about your personal life decisions) coming up to you, asking, "So, when are you two gonna have a baby?" It can be maddening--offensive even--but you smile and nod and say, "Oh, I don't know, maybe someday" while in your head the f-word plays on a permanent loop. "How 'bout we have a baby whenever we want and you find out a couple of weeks or months after we do? Does that work for you? Does that fit in with your schedule?" Ugh.
Nobody though is more annoying when it comes to baby questions than moms. All moms want to be grandmothers. It's been scientifically proven maybe! The moment you get a ring on your finger, your mom revs up the old question machine and the barrage of infant inquiries begins: "How long do you think you're going to wait?" "Got any names picked out?" "I found a package of condoms in your honeymoon luggage and took the liberty of poking each one with a sewing needle. Is that OK?" By the time you are married (or knocked up out of wedlock...I don't want to leave out our teenage mother readership), your mom is raring to raise babies again. She's got picture Bibles and "I Wuv Grandma" bibs at the ready.
That being said, most moms--though not all, as we will soon learn--are content to wait until you're ready. It took my wife and I three years. Luckily, my mother had my sister's baby to dote on while waiting for the half-Asian baby currently gestating in List Lady's womb. Moms are cool like that though. They remember what it's like to be young and newly wed. They've also had years of watching their mothers be grandmothers however, and they are ready to step up to the plate.
A 51-year-old South African woman was so raring to go earlier this month, that she hired a man to rape her daughter. Now that's initiative. Sick, twisted initiative:
Police said they believed the mother had enquired within the community to find a man willing to commit the crime.
It is not known whether she offered a financial reward to the man but police believe she identified her daughter as the intended victim.
She then allegedly ordered [Finus Fetnadi, the accused rapist] not to use a condom during the assault...
So, next time your mom (or mother-in-law, for that matter--no reason she should get off so easily) corners you in the kitchen at Thanksgiving dinner and starts grilling you on the frequency of your sex sessions, sigh, smile, and give her a big hug, content in the knowledge that she will most likely not hire a strange man to rape a baby into you. She's just excited.
