For The Kids Special Report: Clowns You Should Avoid

Not all clowns are bad. Some clowns can be quite all right, actually. But some children don't readily know the difference between 'good clowns' and 'bad clowns,' so we here at GEP have decided to provide a friendly guide to those clowns that should be avoided like a plague-ridden hobo covered in AIDS-infected gnats. Does that image disturb you? Good. Our job is halfway done. Here now is a handy, pocket-sized (provided you can fit a computer in your pocket, and who can't, what, with all the technology these days and such) field guide to Clowns You Should Avoid.

1. The Party Clown

He doesn't really care that it's your birthday--he's been paid to care. (Same goes for strippers when you're older. Not only does a stripper not care about you, she probably hates your guts. And she's not going to make you a balloon sword, so don't even ask.)

2. The Rodeo Clown

The Rob Lowe to your James Spader! This clown is a bad influence. It is neither funny nor entertaining to run around in front of enraged bulls. It is, in actuality, quite stupid. And these guys usually smell like manure. Is that what you want in a clown, the stench of feces?

3. The Sewer-Dwelling Clown

Probably a giant spider in disguise. Usually found in Maine.

4. The Fast Food Clown

This plucky fella has one goal in mind: getting and keeping you fat. In fact, the fatter you get, the fatter his wallet becomes. And this guy doesn't work alone. He's got a whole cadre of goofy pals poised to enchant your taste buds with nuggets and shakes. Be warned: befriend this clown and you've got a one-way ticket to Diabetes Town, which isn't actually a town, but a disease that can kill you.

5. The Insane Clown

Promotes an agenda of hate and misogyny though violent rap lyrics. Music may compel one to waste large amounts of soda or hurl fecal matter at bi-sexual Asian sluts.

6. The Clown Who is Actually A Heart-Eating Demon from Hell in Disguise

I think that one is pretty self-explanatory.

7. The Medical Clown

...but only if he is being played by Robin Williams. In fact, just avoid Robin Williams no matter how he's dressed. That's just a good rule of thumb.

8. The Vomiting Clown

Note: Will probably not be vomiting rainbows. Most likely, the puking clown will be drunk. And not dressed as a clown. Or perhaps not dressed at all. Stay away from naked puking dudes, all right?

9. This Guy

You're welcome.