Ask any kid what he or she wants to be when they grow up, and you are liable to hear some stupid shit. "I want to be a horsey doctor!" "I want to be a Superman!" "I want to be a riverboat captain!" See. Stupid.Childhood is a magical time when the possibilities seem endless and your life's path doesn't yet dead-end at a boring data entry position. But c'mon, kids, let's get real. And I mean really real. Realer than cooties. Realer than your parents' inevitable divorce. The careers that look so appealing to you today? Yeah, you'd be lucky if you could rent a one-room hovel in a third world country with the salary you'd be pulling down from one of those. Life is rough and it's about damn time you realize it. It might be super fun to imagine yourself chugging downriver, wearing your boat captain's hat, and whistling a jaunty tune, but that ain't gonna feed your three starving kids and the screeching harpy of a wife you may or may not have knocked up for the fourth time during a mediocre session of birthday sex. That's right: a session!
GEP asked 100 stupid kids the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up and why?"* We then compiled this list of the 7 most common responses and did our best to dash the dreams of every child forced by their parents to participate. The first on our list is very close to my heart, as it was my answer when I was a moronic little ankle-biting peabrain.
1. Toys-R-Us shelf stocker
Why?: "You get to be around toys, like, all the time!"
Why it ain't a great gig:
-You'll mostly be helping fat, 30-year-old dorks find the Transformers they need to finish their collections.
-Most of today's toys kinda suck.
-How many Toys-R-Us stores do you see around your town? Exactly.
2. Shamu trainerWhy?: "Shamu is so cute! Killer whales are the gentle giants of the sea and I want to ride around on 'em and make 'em do flips and feed 'em fishes and stuff!"
Why it ain't a great gig:
- Your hair always stinks of fish.
- You'll have water in your ears, like, all the time.
- Gentle giants of the sea, huh? WRONG! They're killer whales. KILLER whales! They can KILL you!
3. Fireworks operator
Why?: "Fireworks are pretty!"
Why it ain't a great gig:
- You literally work once a year.
- Hope you're not too attached to your hands because, yep, those are gonna be blown right off. You can't put on a kick ass Fourth of July extravaganza with hooks for hands.
4. Pizza delivery guy
Why?: "I get to eat all the pizza I want! And I get to drive around in a car all day listening to music and smelling pizza and stuff."
Why it ain't a great gig:
- More than likely a lonely, big-boobed housewife in her early-40's wearing a barely-there nightgown WILL NOT answer the door and satisfy you sexually with her mouth.
- Shitty tips.
- There is always the possibility you are an unwitting pawn in a prank on some rowdy teenager's elderly neighbors.
5. Guide on the Jungle Cruise attraction at Walt Disney World
Why?: "I love those guides. They are hilarious! I want to get paid to make jokes and shoot blanks at robotic animals all day!"
Why it ain't a great gig:
- They don't shoot blanks at robotic animals anymore!
- Grow up and you realize the guides on this thing aren't actually that funny. They're kind of irritating. They kind of make an already stupid amusement park ride even worse.
- You have to live in Orlando.
6. Hollywood celebrity
Why?: "They're rich and famous and in movies! It's so glamorous!"
Why it ain't a great gig:
- Drugs
- Paparazzi
- Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew
7. Pterodactyl
Why?: "They're scary and they can fly. I would finally be able to beat up my older brother."
Why it ain't a great gig:
- The pay is very low and the health benefits are non-existent.
- No more family dinners at Cici's Pizza. (Pterodactyls are strictly prohibited from most Cici's Pizza locations)
- Pterodactyls are extinct, you dumb kid!
* No we didn't.
