If you watch as much TV as I do, you've probably seen the new 5-hour Energy commercials in which a guy (or sometimes a gal) wakes up in his bed groggy and disheveled, accompanied by a whiny inner monologue in which he (or she) glumly moans about his (or her) lack of energy (or, in the woman's case, her TV-appropriate obesity). The sleepy individual then shuffles through a sparsely furnished kitchen, shunning the coffee maker and groaning about how difficult it is to brew a pot of coffee and how long it takes and blah blah blah. But then, there it is, a time-saver in a can, or, rather, a weird little bottley-shaped container about the size of a human thumb with the silhouette of a man running either up or off of a cliff printed on it. "There's my precious 5-hour energy," the bleary-eyed man or woman sighs with relief, cracking the seal and downing the energy-laden concoction in a single gulp. After this, an announcer breaks in to give the viewers some specifics on how 5-hour Energy is going to make boring old coffee its bitch. Finally, we get a last glimpse of our previously half-awake avatar, who is now either dressed for work with a smile full of promise stretched across his face or sweating her disgustingly fat ass off on a home elliptical machine, because she doesn't need to get to work; she's a woman after all.
How dare you, 5-hour Energy! Where do you get the nerve taking on coffee like that? Coffee is an institution. You are a mere, as nobody I know has ever said, flash in the pan. You're a Trending Topic: important today, maybe even tomorrow, but lost in a sea of Justin Biebers and #whatifSantawasAsian a week later. You are a blip on the timeline of time. When the end comes to this planet the only things that'll be left will be caffeine-addled cockroaches and you want to know where those roaches are going to be getting that caffeine? That's right! Coffee, bitch!
Look, I know Americans love their Monsters and their Rockstars and their Four Lokos. I drank a Red Bull once. I had a rough night and work was not going well. I knew by lunch that if I didn't do something drastic I'd be finishing out the day face down on my keyboard snoring softly and dreaming of kitties, which is what I dream about most of the time. Kitties and being chased through abandoned malls. Anyway. I strolled down to a nearby drug store during my break and purchased a Red Bull soft drink and polished it off in a couple of swallows. I remember being repulsed by the flavor, but dammit, it did the trick. I don't know if Red Bull gave me wings, as the charming British cartoon characters promise in the ads, but I was able to stay both awake and alert during the remainder of the work day, which was great since I utterly hated my temp job at the time. Wait.
Alls I'm saying is that I get it. Americans like to be alert, awake, positively seizure-ing with energy. But to suggest that 5-hour Energy be the new coffee is not only ludicrous, but downright treasonous.
For one, coffee is delicious. I drink decaf almost exclusively, so I don't even use coffee for the same reasons many Americans do. I like the taste. I like it black with a couple of sugars or maybe some flavored creamer like a French Vanilla or...you know what, the possibilities are endless. You can do so much with coffee. You've got mochas, frapps, capps...hell, you've been to a Starbucks! I don't gotta tell you! What can you do with a 5-hour Energy other than toss it down your throat pipe and wait for the burst of chemical-energy it provides for, I guess, 5 full hours? How is that a good time? Coffee gives life pizzaz. 5-hour Energy means you've given up on the pomp and circumstance and just want the prize. That's a sad way to live, man.
But, OK, let's say your beef with coffee is the time factor. "Coffee takes too long and I want my caffeine now! I'm the equivalent of a whiny little baby with a poopy diaper!" The truth is, coffee doesn't have to take forever. Ever heard of setting your coffee maker the night before? I know, it's like were living in Jetsons times! You can actually set your coffee maker to come on before you even wake up in the morning. It takes the tiniest amount of effort. I used to have a coffee maker that was super easy. All I had to do was tell my wife to do it. Amazing!
There is another way to get quick, delicious coffee too, in fact, it's the way I do it every morning and the way endorsed whole-heartedly by this blog. Feast your eyes on this baby:
Say hello to my coffee maker, ladies and gents. This is the magical machine I use every morning to make my various coffees and teas. It is, quite simply, my favorite machine in the house! This Cuisinart single-cup coffee maker uses things call K-Cups, which come in so many varieties, it boggles the mind. It takes less than a minute to brew, the coffee is delicious, and clean up is a snap!
If you've got to drink this 5-hour Energy swill to face the day, fine. That's pathetic, but there it is. But don't buy into these ads that try to promote 5-hour Energy as the logical next step in the evolution of energy-providing liquids. Nobody--and I mean nobody--is gonna take coffee down. It's versatile, easy to make, and frequently delicious. So, do us a favor, 5-hour Energy ad wizards, shut your faceholes and just
STOP ALREADY
