No, Giant Electric Penguin has not become the latest spot for hardcore online smut (fingers crossed for 2012!!!), this is simply a snapshot of model/singer/frequently naked person Crystal Harris. Not only is Harris Playboy magazine's Playmate of the Month for December of '09 and the voice behind this moving musical performance,* but this vivacious 24-year-old with her whole life ahead of her is also Hugh Hefner's fiancee. For you youngsters who don't know, Hugh Hefner is the founder of Playboy magazine, an early porn publication that sadly neglects spread assholes, which can be quite beautiful when photographed the correct way. Also, 'Hef,' as he is known to most perverts, is 84 years of age, making him 60 years older than the young woman pictured above. And he looks like this:
I know what you're thinking: "Hey, that guy doesn't look half bad for someone teetering precariously between life and everlasting death." OK, so he's got kind eyes, but imagine this, young lady readers out there: Crystal Harris probably has sexual intercourse with this guy. Sure, Grandpa has a sweet smile and a pocketful of Starlight mints, but that doesn't mean it's fun and/or sexually enticing to feel this fleshy sack of brittle bones slide on top of you in the dead of night and hear him whisper/wheeze into your ear, "How 'bout some sugar, darlin?" Creepy.
But, anyway, Crystal is engaged and in love, as illustrated in this recent tweet: "Hef and I are TRENDING on [Twitter]!!!! WOW!!!" Excited about being talked about on Twitter is akin to being excited about the undying love you feel for an undead pornographer, I guess. Hey, I'm curious, what exactly are people saying about Harris and Hef's magical tale of romance on Twitter?
"Hugh Hefner's fiancee on their 60 year age difference: 'I don't notice the age difference', but she meant 'I can't count that high'" (@kellyoxford)
"It's great to hear Hugh Hefner is marrying his 24-year-old girlfriend, because we could all use an appetite suppressant this time of year." (@ClaireWlkWright)
"I'm convinced that Hugh Hefner's bride to be doesn't want a kid because she would have to change two sets of diapers!" (@SpencerGraves)
"Question of the Day: Would you go out on a date with Hugh Hefner if it required one tongue kiss?" (@jenniferquiroz)
"It's great to hear Hugh Hefner is marrying his 24-year-old girlfriend, because we could all use an appetite suppressant this time of year." (@ClaireWlkWright)
"I'm convinced that Hugh Hefner's bride to be doesn't want a kid because she would have to change two sets of diapers!" (@SpencerGraves)
"Question of the Day: Would you go out on a date with Hugh Hefner if it required one tongue kiss?" (@jenniferquiroz)
Being a Trending Topic isn't the same as being universally adored or having your position as Hugh Hefner's (sugar-free) arm candy coveted. It just means a whole lot of people--most of them painfully unfunny--are mocking you mercilessly.
Crystal, I'm not here to judge. You marry Hugh Hefner and become his fourth wife. You iron his smoking jackets and watch those crusty old black-and-white movies he enjoys so much. As long as you are doing it for love, I give you my blessing. Just stay out of the Grotto. I hear it is ripe with venereal disease.
*May cause severe bleeding from ears.
