Many of you were probably saying, "It was just a matter of time, duh!" when a video of Miley "Hannah Montana" Cyrus--Disney owned and operated since the mid-2000's--emerged last week showing the recently-turned-eighteen-year-old, smoking Salvia, a perfectly-legal-for-some-reason hallucinogenic herb, and momentarily losing her mind (If you haven't seen it, you can watch the video here at the bottom of the article). To some, the video was hilarious. Did you know that there are adult people in this country that actually devote at least part of their day to actively hate Miley Cyrus, her music, her sitcom for preteens, and every twangy word that comes out of her mouth. So, I'm sure watching her smoke from a bong, babble incoherently for two minutes, and melt into a glassy-eyed pile of giggles was a real coup for them, a laugh riot. "Yeah, that bitch who shouts dumb jokes for toddlers on the Disney channel finally got what she deserved." OK...?
To others, the video was sad: parents who believed Miley might be one of the few child stars to emerge from the Disney machine pure. Billy Ray Cyrus sure wasn't happy about things, tweeting: "Sorry guys. I had no idea" and ""There is much beyond my control right now." Billy Ray ain't having a very holly jolly Christmas all around this year, what, with his impending divorce and his wife probably banging reality television's Bret Michaels. If it's any consolation, Billy, there comes a day when each one of us will wake up in bed next to Michaels. It's better to just roll with it and not get bogged down with the hows and whys. It's just inevitable.
My reaction was kind of a combination of the two. It's sad because even when she was taking cellphone pictures of her underthings and grinding on a stripper pole at the Kid Awards, or whatever the hell that was, I believed she would one day realize she was in danger of becoming a boring cliche and turn it around. On the other hand, the video is kinda funny because, wow, Salvia apparently fucks you up! I mean, Miley goes from 0 to nutso in mere seconds. Oh, it's also funny because it made me imagine, like, what if she was smoking that shit with the kid who plays Rico on her TV show and there was a video of him experiencing a Salvia-fueled freak out? That would be hilarious, minus the sad. But I digress.
The truth is, Miley has officially become a boring cliche, no longer a Lindsay in training, she is on the fast track to rehab, which might be nice since I hear Demi Lovato is getting lonely.
And why the hell do I know who Demi Lovato is? I shouldn't know her name, but I do, because she apparently beat the shit out of a back-up dancer (I'm happy to report that I do not know why she has back-up dancers? Maybe she's in some kind of West Side Story-influenced street gang or something.) and checked herself in rehab. Another Disney kid on the road to ruin. In fact, Lindsay, Miley, and Demi aren't the only current and former Disney brats headed for disaster. Here is a rundown of other Disney stars on the edge of destruction:
Kyle Massey (That's So Raven; Cory in the House): Addicted to painkillers after his grueling schedule on Dancing with the Stars.
Cole Sprouse (The Suite Life of Zack & Cody; Zack and Cody: On a Boat): Four bag a day Cheetos habit.
Emily Osment (Hannah Montana): Rageaholic
Ashley Tisdale (High School Musical among other shitty things): Smokes rubber cement.
Allisyn Ashley Arm (Sonny With a Chance): Snorts cat poop.
Selena Gomez (Wizards of Waverly Place): Makes and smokes her own bathtub meth.
Dylan Sprouse (Zack and Cody and such): Addicted to fatty porn.
You see? This is what happens when Mickey Mouse signs your checks!
Please, Miley, you're an adult now. It's time to stop being so immature and take a page from former Disney star Vanessa Hudgens. She was fond of the cellphone camera too, but she used hers to do something great.
