1. Snooki Slippers (snookislippers.com): What's round, brown and smells like pickles? If you guessed reality television superstar Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi (AKA "Snicks" "Snickers" "The Princess of Pickles" "Shorty McOrangeface"), you're right! She's great, right? I mean, she's on TV all the time, so that must mean she's something special, right? Right?
And this Christmas, you too can have that "Snooki look" everyone is raving about. At least your feet can. That's right, for the first time ever, Nicole Polizzi is offering America a chance to own a piece of regrettable television history: Snooki Slippers. They're modeled after the slippers Snooki wears on her hit Mtv program, Jersey Shore. You can snag yourself a pair of Snooki's Leopard Print or Snooki's Pink and White Snooki Slippers for a mere $24.99 and instantly become the envy of all the weirdly tanned teenagers you hang around with for some reason.
But why settle with being boring? You've been boring all your dull, dreary life. Live a little and get yourself some animal-shaped Snooki Slippers! Snooki offers hippo, tiger face, armadillo carcass, and sea turtle (which disturb me personally the very most!) slippers among many others. You can also get your Snooki Slippers in this horribly shitty design. Did a unicorn just throw up on your feet? Maybe, but you'll never know unless you cough up the twenty bucks to find out. Does the Christmas fun ever stop?
2. Music from the Shore: Not sure what to get the music lover in your life this Christmas? How about a cassingle (they still make those, right?) of the latest song from your favorite cast member of the Jersey Shore? I can only pick one? Awwwww.
Two members of the cast--Angelina Pivarnick and Disc Jockey Paul DelVecchio--released songs this year, both of which are available on iTunes. Yes, the real iTunes!
In her song, "I'm Hot," we learn that Angelina is "busting all the doors down in Hollywood" (Really? Do you mean, like, she's making deals to star in major motion pictures and develop future television projects or that she has turned to a life of crime, specifically breaking and entering?), that she is hot like "an ice cream cone with a cherry on top" (Well, that's just ruined ice cream, Angie.), that one time she "hopped a cop" and "popped his crop" (What?), and that bitches who refuse to "step off" will get punched in the face. It really is the feel good hit of the year. The idea (fact?) that Ms. Pivarnick is not actually "hot"--ie popular, talented at singing/rapping, physically attractive--doesn't seem to phase her, so, in it's own way, "I'm Hot" is a loony, delusional classic. But in most other ways it is just plain terrible.
The less said about DJ Pauly D's "(It's Time To) Beat Dat Beat" the better. All you need to know is that earlier this year the AOL Radio Blog honored Pauly D's cheesy anthem to extreme douchebaggery with the title of worst song ever.
3. Here's the Situation: A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting in Your GTL on the Jersey Shore: Some books are meant to be read on the toilet. Some books are meant to be thrown into the toilet. Mike "The Situation" Sorretino's Here's the Situation: A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting in Your GTL on the Jersey Shore is the first book in history made to be used as a toilet. A must-read for frustrated unpublished writers looking for one last reason to kill themselves.
