Saturday Afternoon News Bits: doughnut disaster, Jon Gosselin vs. Taco Bell, owls, and time travel

Sorry about the lateness of this week's news, but I was catching up on TV this morning. Here now are the most important news stories of this week...

1. TIME TO SCRAPE THE DOUGHNUTS

I apologize for the above photograph. It may be the saddest, most horrifying image to ever grace (disgrace?) the blog. No doughnut should be made to suffer like that, not even the lemon-filled kind. Look at all those poor, scared doughnuts strewn about the road like casualties in a war they never signed up for. The horror. The tragedy. All that deliciousness gone to waste. It's sick!

Oh, the driver of the doughnut truck was injured as well. Our thoughts and prayers go out to his/her family. God, I hope those doughnuts are OK. I can't believe this!

Just what was the cause of this injustice? Here's the story from KVAL.com. It may be inappropriate for little ones. Reader discretion is strongly advised.

EUGENE, Ore. – A car fleeing from police at high speeds through downtown parking lots and alleys collided with a donut delivery van, seriously injuring the driver late Tuesday night.

The incident started around 11:06 p.m. when a Eugene police officer spotted a black Honda driving with it's lights off downtown.

The driver took off, and the officer attempted to keep up as the driver cut through parking lots at high speed, police said.

The black Honda exited 10th Alley westbound onto Pearl Street at high speed and hit a donut delivery van on the driver's side, police said. The van's driver was taken to the hospital with serious injuries. The identity of the driver and his or her condition is not yet known.

The impact caused the van to overturn, spilling donuts across the road.

The driver of the stolen Honda, a 32-year-old piece of pastry-squashing garbage named Aaron Prentice Pate, was arrested for reckless driving, second degree assault, and failure to respect the importance of timely doughnut delivery, among other charges. I hope he rots in jail forever, I really do.

No news on the delivery driver, but the doughnuts were unceremoniously buried in an unmarked mass grave, i.e. the dumpster behind Burger King.

2. DOUBLE-DECKER DOUCHEBAG

Speaking of taking a dump, former reality TV luminary/failure at life Jon Gosselin was regretfully back in the news this week. What's going on with the lumpy, half-Asian father of 8 essentially fatherless children now? Well, apparently, Gosselin and his current girlfriend, Ellen Ross, were humiliated in a Taco Bell drive-thru. Allie is Wired has the story:

Jon Gosselin and his girlfriend Ellen Ross have waged war on their local Taco Bell…and it’s not because those Chalupas they bought made them “run for the border”.

Apparently, after they paid and pulled around to the next window, employees recognized Jon and started making fun of him.

If you'd stop making yourself so damn easy to make fun of, maybe folks way stop doing it, Jon. Have you ever thought of that?

Ross filed a complaint with the restaurant (Wait, what? You can do that? You can walk into a fast food joint and file a formal complaint? That sounds delightfully stupid.), in which she made the following accusations:

...my boyfriend (Jon Gosselin from the reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8) and I came through to purchase dinner. When we pulled up to the window there were three girls inside and a man. The three girls noticed who Jon was as his phone rang and he answered (it was his attorney, coincidentally), they proceeded to laugh loudly and talk about him as if he weren't there they said "OMG how funny, that's him OMG, say something to him say something." Jon put his car window up to avoid them. Every employee inside was gathered at the window staring and talking loudly about us. When we put the window back down to get our food, one employee (she had a wrap around her head) pulled out her cell phone and held it up to us to try and take a picture, while laughing at us. No one did or said anything to stop this. It was humiliating.

Ross goes on to single out the employee with the "wrap around her head," requesting the young woman's immediate dismissal from burrito-folding and nacho cheez reheating. We'll update you on Taco-Gate '010 when the latest news breaks.

3. OWL-SOURCED

Indian kids love the Harry Potter movie series so much, parents have taken to capturing wild owls and presenting them to their children as gifts. This is leading to a significant decline in the owl population of India.

On an entirely unrelated note, though one not necessarily considered so by the Manila Bulletin Online, owls are also being slaughter en masse in black magic ceremonies during Diwali, the Hindu festival of lights. And owl torture, I guess.

Sucks to be an owl in India, but it must be awesome to wake up and unwrap the owl your parents kidnapped from the wild for your birthday. Every Harry Potter fan should have their own Hedwig, right? I was a big Gremlins fan when I was a kid; begged my parents for a mogwai every Christmas, but they never bought me one. They claimed it was because there was no musty junk shop run by a mysterious Chinese man in our town and because mogwais don't actually exist, but I think it's because they never loved me as much as Indian parents love their kids.

4. TITOR 2.0

Didja hear about the old woman talking on a cellphone in the background of a Charlie Chaplin movie? Some people claim she is a visitor from the future. Others claim that she is simply using some kind of rudimentary hearing aid. Even otherers believe her to be a crazy old woman babbling nonsense into an empty sardine tin. Whether you think she's deaf, nuts, or John Titor in drag, it's still fun to speculate. Check it out and make your own decision, why don't you!

Hmmmm. I don't know what to think. I'm fairly certain I don't believe in time travel, but I can't say exactly what's going on here. This toilet-mouthed hooligan thinks he's figured it out though:

He knows there was already something called The Man Show, right? What am I saying, of course he knows. He's Matthew Know! My bad.