All right...let's get to the stupid.
1. CHICKENS: THEY'RE NOT JUST FOR FRYIN' ANYMORE
That's a sign of beauty for this breed called Cochin, originally raised as palace pets in China.
"They're so lovely to handle. Any other breed is not lap cats like Cochins are," Carlson said.
2. GUESS WHO?
4. LIST OF THINGS GAYS AREN'T ALLOWED TO DO GROWS
After the owners said they planned to cater to the gay community, opposition grew.
The Board of Zoning Appeals unanimously denied the request, citing traffic concerns, road problems and a perceived adverse effect on property values, drawing a standing ovation from about 100 residents at the meeting.
"I don't know if what I'm hearing is hearsay. I just hope it is," resident Kim Walls said during the meeting. "I'm scared to death."
Other residents worried that the peace and quiet they enjoy would be destroyed.
"I don't want to be able to smell my neighbor. I don't want to hear them for an extended period of time, and I don't want to see them, unless they're dressed for public," said Darrell Dill, Green Township trustee.
5. MORE SEXY NEWS!
"It's a bit of shock and awe," another local resident added. "It's like, 'Wow, that's what our graduates have to look forward to? Go-go dancing and stripping?'"
"I just think it's pretty disgusting you know, because I am an 18-year-old," another local said.
1. CHICKENS: THEY'RE NOT JUST FOR FRYIN' ANYMOREI think I've been to Missouri. I was very young and I don't remember a thing about the trip, but there is photographic evidence that I caught a decent-sized fish while visiting some family friends. I haven't heard much about Missouri or her citizens in however many years followed this successful fishing expedition, but I had no idea things had gotten this depressing. Apparently, life in Missouri is so empty and unappealing, that some members of the populace have resorted to raising "beauty chickens" to compete in "chicken beauty pageants" to pass the time until Death's sweet embrace. Could it get any sadder? I submit that it cannot.
Meet Annamay Carlson! She was just looking for some "living lawn ornaments" to jazz up her flower garden. Now she plays host to over 90 chickens, and Carlson knows what it takes to breed pageant winners:
"It's that big, full tail. It's supposed to be shaped like a basketball," Carlson said.
That's a sign of beauty for this breed called Cochin, originally raised as palace pets in China.
"They're so lovely to handle. Any other breed is not lap cats like Cochins are," Carlson said.
Lap chickens, huh? Imagine you've prepared a bag of Pop Secret Reduced Fat microwave popcorn for yourself, cracked open a Diet Pepsi, and spread out on the couch for a Say Yes to the Dress marathon, and instead of a your trusty dog or cat hopping up into your lap for what you might call a "snuggle-fest," a chicken hunkers down on your crotch? Maybe it's just me, but that would be horrifying. Cats and dogs have a certain soulfulness behind their eyes. Chickens kind of look like miniature, feather-covered velociraptors from the pits of Hell. Which makes the concept of a chicken beauty pageant even more perplexing. I mean, what kind of mental disease do you have to have to agree to be a judge at one of these things?
I'll give you three choices:
A. The new face of Mr. Clean (This Mr. Clean has seen some shit, man!)
B. My Sally Struther's ChildFund International kid all growns up
C. Popular rap artiste, 50 Cent
If you guessed "C," you're correct! If you didn't--what's wrong with you? There's a Web address below the picture reading "www.THISIS50.com. What are you, a moron?!
Yes, rapper/Vitamin Water enthusiast, Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson, recently dropped 50-pounds for a role in a movie you will likely never see, unless you're cruising the Wal-Mart dollar bin one fateful evening and discover it underneath a stack of unsold Jury Duty discs, and you decide that it would behoove you to make an ironic purchase (You're drunk in this scenario, by the way).
The movie, which is titled Things Fall Apart but is not at all based on the well- known novel by Nigerian author Chinua Achebe, tells the story of a college athlete who gets cancer. Sounds like a rocking good time for 50 Cent fans, doesn't it?
While were on the subject of celebrities sporting new looks, did you get a look at Venus Williams' outfit from the French Open? Call me a pervert (you wouldn't be the first), but I think I just got interested in tennis again, which, I guess, suggests that I was interested in tennis some time in the past, which actually isn't true, so, yeah.
Anyone who saunters out to the tennis court wearing lingerie and flesh-colored shorts shrink-wrapped to her ample posterior is already a winner in my book. Some stuffed shirts didn't quite see it that way:
A New York Daily News writer wrote that Williams showed a "blatant disregard for traditional tennis attire." A blogger said she looked like she was "dressed for some late night party." An overseas publication referred to Williams' clothing as a "negligee."Oh, brother! Get over it! For a fleeting moment people gave half a shit about tennis. Isn't that what matters ultimately? I don't know if it is. Whatever. Moving on...
4. LIST OF THINGS GAYS AREN'T ALLOWED TO DO GROWS
They can't get married, they can't serve in the military unless they keep it to themselves, they can't rent a car until age 25...the list of things American homosexuals are not allowed to do is both staggering and offensive. The citizens of Martinsville, IN added another entry to the no-no column this week when they shot down plans for an alternative lifestyle campground in their area. Gays can't even camp now! WTF, Martinsville:
A proposed clothing optional campground in Morgan County was denied zoning approval Monday night to begin operation.After the owners said they planned to cater to the gay community, opposition grew.
The Board of Zoning Appeals unanimously denied the request, citing traffic concerns, road problems and a perceived adverse effect on property values, drawing a standing ovation from about 100 residents at the meeting.
"I don't know if what I'm hearing is hearsay. I just hope it is," resident Kim Walls said during the meeting. "I'm scared to death."
Scared to death, Ms. Walls? Really? To death? One of my many, many pet peeves is when people use extreme phrases, such as "scared to death" or "I'm starving." You're not starving! Go make a sandwich!
You know, I get not wanting to see a bunch of naked people milling around the city limits. I don't want to walk out my front door and find an droopy, hirsute, nude elderly couple taking an afternoon stroll through the neighborhood. The owners of the land this all-nude gay Shangri La is to be built on have proposed building an 8-foot privacy fence to protect children and those with heart conditions from being exposed to naked alternative lifestyles. This idea doesn't please everybody however:
"People walk with their families. Children ride their bikes. People ride their horses along these roads," said resident Daniel Elliot. "You combine that with people who are drinking alcohol, and all the sudden we have a disaster in the making."Other residents worried that the peace and quiet they enjoy would be destroyed.
"I don't want to be able to smell my neighbor. I don't want to hear them for an extended period of time, and I don't want to see them, unless they're dressed for public," said Darrell Dill, Green Township trustee.
Wait. Are there people who want to smell their neighbors?
5. MORE SEXY NEWS!
Hey, graduating class of 2010, I know the job market looks grim during these troubling economic times, but all is not lost. If you you are a female, have most of your teeth, and enjoy dry humping strangers, you could have a bright future at Jacksonville, Florida's premiere bikini bar, Centerfold Lounge. The club put the call out for dancers last week and local reaction has been mixed, and by "mixed" I mean "entirely negative:"
"I think it's terrible. I mean really, young people could do a lot better than that," one local said."It's a bit of shock and awe," another local resident added. "It's like, 'Wow, that's what our graduates have to look forward to? Go-go dancing and stripping?'"
"I just think it's pretty disgusting you know, because I am an 18-year-old," another local said.
Prude!
The club owner says that the message on the sign is meant to be humorous, but if it helps him acquire some new staff members, all the better:
"I mean, look at the economy. We have nothing to offer these grads," said [William] Warner, the lounge's manager. "I do. I have what they can make money. Yes, we're looked at as scum of the Earth, but it's a paycheck -- money that will put food in their stomach and keep a roof over their head."
See, he's just a sweet guy trying to help the youth of today become the leaders of tomorrow, or rather, the drugged-up strippers who will grind on the crotches of the those leaders. God bless America!
