Mind the Gap: A London Travelogue (Part 1)

On May 10, 2010, GEP Editor-in-chief, Matt Lawson, and his wife, Jen (AKA List Lady), hopped a plane to London, England, and spent the next four days wandering aimlessly through the third most expensive city in the world. While there, Matt kept a detailed record of the couple's experiences in a journal. The following series of articles is taken from the pages of this journal. Enjoy.

Monday, May 10, 2010

-Jen and I are singled out twice on the flight to Dulles, first for being in the wrong seats and then for blocking the overhead compartment doors with our bulky carry-ons. I hate unwanted attention almost more than anything else, especially when it is a result of me having done something stupid. The guy sitting in our row calls us "nothing but trouble."

-The seats we were sitting in belong to a teenage girl and her mostly incoherent grandfather, who falls asleep soon after take off and snores like a buzzsaw. At one point, the granddaughter complains that her grandfather is touching her. I watch 30 Rock and listen to The Best Show on my iPod.

-We land safely in Washington DC. The flight is only 45 minutes long. I've already had my fill of plane travel for the year, but, oops, I forgot, I've got a 7 hour plane ride in my near future.

Monday-Tuesday-???

-3 minutes into our flight to the UK, I start to experience a low-level panic attack. The tiny screen embedded into the seat in front of me displays the progress of our flight and every few seconds I'm confronted with the fact that I will be stuck in a metal tube hurtling high over the Atlantic Ocean for 7+ hours. In an attempt to alleviate the gnawing fear, I watch It's Complicated.

-It's Complicated is one of the worst movies I've ever seen. It's not about anything! The actors just wander about the screen spouting what I think are supposed to be jokes. Steve Martin is in this movie! Alec Baldwin! John Krasinski! And yet nothing funny is happening.

-Here's how It's Complicated loses me: In an early scene, Meryl Streep's character is shown puttering around what could easily be described as a "sprawling estate." Her kitchen, as would be expected, is appropriately large, mammoth even. A few scenes later, Streep is meeting with Steve Martin who has designed a brand new kitchen for her. A few more scenes later--just as I'm being served dinner on the plane, in fact (I chose the lasagna--my wife had the chicken)--Martin visits Streep at her mansion and walks her through the plans for the aforementioned new kitchen, during which Streep exclaims, "I'm finally going to have a kitchen!" The balls on this bitch, I thought, yanking the complimentary headphones out of my arm rest, turning off my screen, and attempting to sleep.

-Jen sleeps peacefully during the entire flight. I'm in and out of sleep, but mostly out. I'm completely miserable.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010 (...at least, I think...)

-We land at Heathrow around 11:00 AM. The baggage retrieval system they've got seems just fine.

-I lurch zombie-like through Heathrow airport, aware enough of my surroundings to realize that it's kind of a crappy place. And hot. So very hot. Seriously. Why is this airport so bleeding hot?

-Our shuttle awaits. The drive from Heathrow to London proper is surprisingly not unlike the drive from RDU to our house. I expected castles and dragons and jousting knights. Instead it's gas stations, dilapidated motels, and fast food restaurants just like home. People are driving on the wrong side of the road however, so this must not be a dream.

-The shuttle driver, like everyone in London, drives like a lunatic, but he is very nice. Apologetic too. He apologizes for the traffic. We don't know how to respond, so we just sit quietly. He coughs a bit. Says, "I'm sorry." "For what?" I ask. "The coughing."

-Great restaurant names: Kebob Machine; Spice Grills

-Jen is thrown when the girl at the check-in desk asks, "You all right?" I know from years of British television that this is how young Londoners ask "How are you doing today? Well, I hope." Instead of explaining this to Jen, I just laugh at her. (I explain later.)
-We drop the bags off in our room and take our first trip on the Underground. I get a nerd boner when I hear the recorded voice reminding passengers to "mind the gap." "In the movie Fresh Meat," I say to Jen, whose eyes instantly glaze over, "that's the only thing The Man--that's what they call the cannibal guy who lives in the subway tunnels under London--knows how to say because he, um, learned it from the recorded voice." She doesn't care, but she pretends to, so I'm adequately pleased.

-We check out the Museum of Natural History. I'm starving, light-headed, and tired, so I can't really focus on much, but me and Jen both agree that the museum is kinda lame. It is free though, so we spend a few hours looking at dinosaur bones, stuffed animals, and hormone displays.

-We head out into the wilds of London to find our first lunch destination, a local chain called Masala Zone, and get totally lost in the process.

-I keep wandering into the bike lane while taking an accidental stroll along the Diana Princess of Wales Memorial Walkway, but because British people are so polite, the bike riders I keep having near collisions with apologize to me.

-We are lost for hours, our feet hurt, and we almost break down and have dinner at an American-style diner. But then, just as all hope seems lost, we find Masala Zone and eat one of the most delicious Indian meals ever.

-We get lost again on our way back to the hotel. This will be a running theme.

-I have marveled all day at the lack of creepy weirdos and nutball crazies in London. In a crowded, sprawling, fast-paced city like this, I'd have expected to come in contact with all kinds of creeps, but I've seen nary a homeless person. But then, as dusk approaches, I learn that the crazies of London come out at night! On the trek back to the Kings Cross Holiday Inn we encounter a mentally unstable black woman shouting about California in the 60's; multiple drunk dudes weaving through the crowds, oversized beer cans gripped firmly in their fists; and three hoodlums screaming obscenities and kicking empties all over the place.

-Funniest hoodlum moment: While swearing and throwing cans willy-nilly, one hoodlum comes across a pile of horse crap in the road and proclaims, "What's all this shit?!" Then he kicks more trash around.

TO BE CONTINUED...