Dear Producers of the G4 Network original program The International Sexy Ladies Show,
Good afternoon. I hope this open letter finds you well. I'm doing fine, if you were wondering.
Now that we've exchanged pleasantries, let's get down to business...the business of sexy ladies.
I, as most men of my age, gender, and socioeconomic status, enjoy looking at beautiful women. It doesn't even matter what they're doing--speed-walking around the mall before it opens, dancing alone on the boardwalk at the New Jersey shore, attending an awards ceremony dressed in a gown made of plastic sheeting and hat antlers--I'll be watching. It's what I do. It's kind of my "anti-drug" if you will. Some people better themselves through further schooling or religious enlightenment. I ogle hot chicks.
As of late, however, I've found myself bored with this endeavor. It isn't unusual on occasion for me to wonder, "Is that all there is? Have I really observed insanely attractive women participating in every kind of activity that insanely attractive women can conceivably participate in?" That, International Sexy Ladies Show, is where you come in.
You've created a place where every red-blooded American male can come and observe sexy ladies on an international level. No longer must we concede to set our sights merely on those hot chicks living within the borders of the boring, ole US of A. Your globe-trotting peepshow has made it easier then ever to watch hot, sexy ladies from around the world do all sorts of crazy shit! From a young women in the Czech Republic slathering herself with melted chocolate in a sun-dappled forest glen to a half-dressed Japanese teenager eating strawberry after strawberry after strawberry! From bikini-clad Korean girls competing to be crowned The Sexiest Chick in South Korea to a couple of Russian babes in their Sunday best giving a mud-covered tank a warm, soapy sponge bath! For this, International Sexy Ladies Show, you are to be commended.
Your program, however, contains a sinister second component, a component that has become all to familiar in the world of reality clip shows: the panel of C-list comedian commentators. Tragically, this drops your program from "best show ever" status to somewhere in the "maybe if I repeatedly jam this ice pick into my ear canal the awfulness will go away" range.
And it really isn't the celebrity status, or lack thereof, of your panel of quipsters that's the problem. It's the jokes. Most are simply lazy, obvious, and glaringly unfunny. Some, though, aren't even jokes, but, rather, observations, and not particularly clever ones. For example, a recent episode of your program contained a clip of two bald, sexy German lasses being stripped down, slathered in shiny pink paint, and made to pose as mannequins (or "real-equins," as the show's narrator insisted on calling them) for the delight of a bunch of horny department store shoppers. Halfway through the clip, comedian Edwin San Juan (yeah, I'd never heard of him either) steps onto the screen and says the following:
"I like their haircuts. (beat) They're bald. (beat) Like me. (points to head, which is, in fact, bald)"
Where's the joke? That's right: there isn't one. First, do you think there was anyone in the audience wondering why Mr. San Juan liked the German ladies' haircuts so much? "Wait, why does he like their haircuts? Is he gonna tell us? Is this gonna be one of those LOST-style cliffhangers?" Of course not! We get it. They're bald, he's bald. There you go. There's your hilarious quip. Second, why did he have to point to his head? I'm not familiar with Mr. San Juan's act, but is this something he does often? Does his audience need him to drive those points home so blatantly?
Look, G4, you've got a great show here, it's just suffering from something I call the Totally Awesome Idea/Supremely Shitty Execution Syndrome. I'm going to be honest, if I want to see comedians poke fun at weird, pop culture ephemera, I'm going to tune in to the fine programming at Video Hits 1. You think I'm going to watch a show in which 2007 Last Comic Standing winner Jon Reep cracks wise about naked Italian babes bowling when a few channel flips away VH1's got Michael Ian Black taking Furby down a few pegs? There's no contest, man!
Listen, I don't enjoy it when the worlds of sex and comedy are blended. Every time a buddy of mine wants to show me a collection of porn bloopers he's found on the internets, I politely decline. When I want to laugh, I go to YouTube and watch people fall down. When it's time for sex, it's time to get serious. Your show, with it's goofy narrator and boring comedians popping up every two minutes to listlessly spout dumb jokes, does nothing more than confuse my penis.
Yours truly,
Matt
PS More clips from that reality show where sexy Korean girls try to give dudes boners, please!
