It's been awhile since we've checked in with our old buddy Jon Gosselin, but after last week's announcement that his ex-wife, Kate, would appear on Season 10 of ABC's dreadful, confusingly- titled Dancing with the Stars (Yes, you read that correctly, Season 10! This hunk of garbage is entering it's 10th season!), I was curious to find out whether or not Jon had anything lined up. The last time I'd seen Gosselin on TV was when America's sweetheart, Nancy Grace, was berating him and his fake-diamond earrings on The Insider, which is apparently an actual television program and not a Tim and Eric-style goof. Kate Gosselin and her weave are getting a second change at reality fame," I said to myself, for I was alone, as I usually am. "When will it be Jon's turn?"Let's face it, it's been tough going for everybody's favorite Ed Hardy-shirted, half-Asian mega douche. First, he lost his lawsuit against TLC, the basic cable station that used the disintegration of his marriage to make millions of dollars. Next, ex-girlfriend, Hailey Glassman, as well as Kate, discussed the size of Jon's penis with the press, as if that were something anybody on the planet actually cared about (Glassman told the publication, Steppin' Out, that Gosselin's member was "tiny, tiny, tiny," while in the pages of US Kate divulged her nickname for it: stubby. Classy, ladies. Real classy). Then there was that insulting offer from Playgirl.
I'm not going to lie. I was one of the first people to jump on the Eff Jon Gosselin and His Endless Douchbaggery bandwagon. Hell, I paid hard-earned money to take my parents to a Jon and Kate live appearance. I bought a family photo adorned with verses from the Bible for $20. I met the Gosselins face-to-face and told them that I liked their show. I think my bitterness was more than justified. But when a man's dick gets dragged out and verbally assaulted in public, it is opinion that the things have kind of "jumped off the rails" as they say. I don't know who "they" are, but I assume they're train conductors.
So, Jon, I want to apologize. I've said some horrible things about you and your deteriorating parenting skills and your stupid tiger shirts and your sense of entitlement, but no more. No, as a man with both thinning hair and a penis (though not one as allegedly miniscule as your penis), I've decided to stop insulting you and instead offer up some ideas on how you can make your own Kate Gosselin-style career reboot. Obviously, Season 10 of Dancing with the Stars is out. It might get a little awkward backstage. Season 11, maybe? But why wait for a phone call that may never, ever come. Here are some serious ideas that you can pounce on right now.
1. I have an inkling that you are already prepping for my first idea, even though I haven't heard any solid reports at this time, but how about appearing on the next season of Vh1's Celebrity Fit Club? You are totally qualified. One: you're not an actual celebrity. Two: you're not too terribly overweight. Three: you come across like a real egomaniacal jerk-off. It's a perfect marriage. I think a couple more impromptu vacations to France with Michael Lohan, a couple more rich, Parisian meals out, and you'll have a gut worthy of Video Hits 1, my friend.
1. I have an inkling that you are already prepping for my first idea, even though I haven't heard any solid reports at this time, but how about appearing on the next season of Vh1's Celebrity Fit Club? You are totally qualified. One: you're not an actual celebrity. Two: you're not too terribly overweight. Three: you come across like a real egomaniacal jerk-off. It's a perfect marriage. I think a couple more impromptu vacations to France with Michael Lohan, a couple more rich, Parisian meals out, and you'll have a gut worthy of Video Hits 1, my friend.2. Four words: Celebrity Chili Cook-Off Challenge! Heard of it? Of course you haven't, dummy, because it's an original concept I've been developing in my free time for the past three years. I don't want you to get too excited, but Bravo is interested, and by "is" I mean "will be" when someone actually returns my calls (The ball's in your court, Bravo). Here's the idea: A bunch of celebrities make chili and a panel of judges picks the best one. It's so simple, I can't believe Mark Burnett has done it yet. And he better not. I know you read this blog, Burnett, and if you steal my idea, I swear, I'll get you. Sleep with one eye open, sir.
Not convinced, Jon. Well, try this on for size. I'm thiiiis close to getting Canadian pop superstar Justin Bieber to sign on. And Wendy "The Snapple Lady" Kaufman has shown interest. Bobby Brown won't stop blowing up my phone. Get in on the ground floor on this one, Goz. Can I call you Goz?
3. I don't know if a lot of people know this, but you are a funny dude. I've seen this cat live on stage, everybody, and let me tell you, whenever Kate actually let him get a word in, he was electric! He has this laid-back style that almost sounds like he's talking in his sleep. But he's fully awake! Seriously! So, why not hit the road with a stand-up act? Workshop some jokes, perfect your craft, create a solid set, then take the logical next step: HBO special. I've already got the title: Jon Gosselin: A Joke Tellin' Jokes. It's self-deprecating. People love that. They also love boob jokes.
3. I don't know if a lot of people know this, but you are a funny dude. I've seen this cat live on stage, everybody, and let me tell you, whenever Kate actually let him get a word in, he was electric! He has this laid-back style that almost sounds like he's talking in his sleep. But he's fully awake! Seriously! So, why not hit the road with a stand-up act? Workshop some jokes, perfect your craft, create a solid set, then take the logical next step: HBO special. I've already got the title: Jon Gosselin: A Joke Tellin' Jokes. It's self-deprecating. People love that. They also love boob jokes.4. Get your old job back. There's no shame in becoming a private citizen again. Even better: start your own business and work from the home. You can be with your kids all the time. While your ex is off dancing with stars and hocking her stupid books, you can be at home with the brood. Just being around them will guarantee that when Hannah grows up and writes that tell-all memoir, you come out as the hero. (Hey, Hannah, I got the title for you if you want it: Growing Up Gosselin: How TLC Ripped My Family Apart and Put Me Through College)
5. Become a spokesman for dick enhancement pills. It'll show you have a sense of humor about your stubby little pecker. And they really work. I mean, that's what I've heard.
