Dear Love Gerontologist,
I know you probably get this question a lot: my girlfriend and I have been together a long time, and I'm starting to get hints that she wants to take the next step and get married. Now, I have nothing against marriage, but I like things the way they are. I see no reason to change anything. Should I pop the question? Should I wait for her to bring it up? Am I being a jerk by even asking this?
-Just Asking in Kalamazoo
You're right, JAK. I get this a lot. I find that a lot of female senior citizens are more reluctant to dispense with traditional values than men are, so she may very well be in the “marrying mood,” as I've labeled this curious disorder in my most recent paper, “Lovemaking Mores in Female Humans Aged 70-90 in Austin, Texas.” What should you do? Find a physician who specializes in this disorder right away. There's medication available that helps control the symptoms, but only if you catch the disorder in the beginning stages. Best of luck to you.
My partner and I consider ourselves to be very conscientious individuals. We try to do little things to save the planet from trash, greed, corruption, and bad taste. The problem is, I've only been in this relationship for about 3 months, and we've never once talked about our Valentines Day expectations! I mean, it's a holiday created by greeting card companies, so I assume my partner will want to ignore the holiday as much as I do, but I can't help but worry that I'm playing with fire. I'd ask her what she thinks, but I don't want to seem shallow. What should I do?
-Hydroponic in Chicago
Well, HIC, you've an interesting conundrum. You're right that Valentines Day was created by an evil cabal of greeting card companies, hack poets, and unemployed cherubim, but you ignore it at your own peril. Solution: why not forgo the greeting cards and chocolates, but still celebrate the occasion with a spirited lovemaking session. Just be sure to check with your doctor first to make sure you're healthy enough for sex. Of course, sometimes women do like tangible presents, so might I suggest purchasing my latest book, 17 (More!) Places to Insert Your Penis: More Reminders for the Elderly? It's up to 1,567 on Amazon's Love/Sex/Gerontology/Self-Published bestseller charts. Seven people can't be wrong.
Dear Love Gerontologist,
Whut iz Vagina 4? Can maek baaby with pp? How this wrok?
-Anonymous
Well, Anonymous, for the elderly, the vagina can be a mysterious object indeed. I suggest asking an adult child or retirement home employee to have “the talk” with you. They'll know what that means, and they'll remind you of all the things you used to do.
