1. HAMSTER MEET HAMMERFrom time to time I've verbally blasted Dina Lohan, Lindsay Lohan's fame-whore troll of a mom, on the pages of this blog, calling her an "unfit mother" and a "concubine of the Devil himself." Sure, she's obnoxious, attention-seeking, and wholly reprehensible, but her awfulness pales in comparison to this piece of human shit:
A Georgia mother is accused of forcing her 12-year-old son to kill his pet hamster because of a bad report card.
It happened last Thursday at the family’s home, said Meriwether County Sheriff Steve Witlock. Investigators said Lynn Geter made her son use a hammer to kill the hamster.
Geter was arrested Friday following an interview with investigators. She is charged with battery, cruelty to children and cruelty to animals.
HOLY CRAP, right? This is definitely one of the top 1,000 horrible things I've ever read about a mother doing to her child in the news. "Hmmmm, I don't like these grades, Tommy. I don't like these grades at all. I'm thinking you need to be punished. I think you're gonna have to hammer Mr. Fluff-Fluff to death. That'll learn ya."
You know, this story is terrible, but what a motivation tool. I mean, if I'd known that slacking off in high school would result in my parents forcing me to murder the family dog with a hacksaw or a belt sander or something, I probably would have studied harder. I'm just saying.
2. MANKIND VS. ANIMALKIND: AN UPDATEThe GEP News Department has been keeping track of the secret war currently being raged between animals and humans, a war we like to think we had a big part in sparking. You're welcome.
Well, finally there's some good news. It seems that in some places humans and animals are finally coming together as one to forge a new trail of peace. This story out of Wisconsin filled this old newsman with hope this week. You might want to have a few tissues ready.
When Dean Hall ventured into a West Allis back alley on Wednesday night, he saw two youngsters standing over a tiny marsupial. The boys were mercilessly beating the helpless creature.
"They're just sitting there kicking the crap out of the possum," Hall said as he stood in the alley where the assault occurred. "I hollered at 'em."
One of the youngsters took off immediately. But the other stood his ground and resumed kicking the furry animal. Without thinking, Hall hurled a container of ice tea at the kid.
"They're just sitting there kicking the crap out of the possum," Hall said as he stood in the alley where the assault occurred. "I hollered at 'em."
One of the youngsters took off immediately. But the other stood his ground and resumed kicking the furry animal. Without thinking, Hall hurled a container of ice tea at the kid.
Sniff-sniff. There's more, people. OH GOD...
When the second boy took off, Hall moved in to help the injured opossum. He took off his sweater and then removed the sleeveless t-shirt he was wearing underneath. Gingerly, he wrapped the animal in the cotton shirt and set out for The Wisconsin Humane Society.
"We're really delighted he took the chance of advocating for little Ellie," said Wisconsin Humane Society Wildlife Manager Scott Deihl after staffers named the opossum. "She really needed somebody to step in."
"We're really delighted he took the chance of advocating for little Ellie," said Wisconsin Humane Society Wildlife Manager Scott Deihl after staffers named the opossum. "She really needed somebody to step in."
GEP salutes you, Dean Hall, for your great strides in making peace between humans and animals. Everyone take note of Hall's admirable accomplishment and make sure you're ready to act when you see hoodlums beating up on a defenseless animal. Maybe start carrying a jug of iced tea around with you. Couldn't hurt.
3. SEND IN THE CLOWNSThe current situation in Haiti is awful, but people all over the world, both regulars and celebrities, have joined together to do what they can to help the Haitian people rebuild their earthquake-ravaged country. It has all been quite beautiful to see, with the exception of that performance by a caterwauling Wyclef Jean on George Clooney's Friday night telethon. Ick.
Scientology is getting involved now as well, in fact, famous Scientologist and Bobby Brown cover artist, John Travolta, has personally sent in over 100 ministers, medics, and those trained in the delicate fake art of "touch assist." What is "touch assist" you ask? Well, it basically consists of "touching sufferers with one finger near their injury, and partial re-enactment of the trauma."
Go, Scientology! If there's anything a Haitian needs right now it's some dude poking him and having him re-enact that time the roof collapsed crushing his legs to pulp and killing his wife and infant child.
Go make another awful movie, Travolta, and leave the earthquake relief to Fantastic Mr. Fox.
4. A BOIL ON THE BRITISH RECORD INDUSTRY'S ASSRemember last year when all those fringe Facebook friends of yours were slapping Susan Boyle videos up on their wall and weeping about how well she could belt out a showtune even though she kinda looked like a Middle Earth orc squeezed into human clothing? Remember how you watched the video and thought, "Meh?" Well, apparently the entire British recording industry agrees with your assessment. And this is surprising to anybody with even a smidgeon of musical taste?
...Susan Boyle's act is apparently not music to the ears of the British record industry, which failed to honor her with a single nomination for the 2010 Brit Awards.
Some in the British press speculate that the Scottish singer, 48, whose album "I Dreamed a Dream" topped the U.S. and UK charts, simply isn't trendy or stylish enough.
"The problem for the Brits is they're supposed to be a celebration of British music -- and cool," one source told the Daily Mail. "And whatever anyone thinks of Susan Boyle, she certainly isn't cool."
And there's your honest answer: Susan Boyle is not cool. She isn't. And it isn't "neat" that she is musically talented while being dowdy, plain, and fat. I've seen plenty of fat, unattractive singers in my day. I'm never like, "Holy shit, that ugly fat guy can sing! I never thought someone so morbidly obese and grotesque could do anything other than eat, fart, and get uglier." I've never thought that because it is insulting. Yes, insulting! Everyone who posted videos of Susan Boyle on their Facebook page last year should be ashamed of themselves. You were essentially saying, "OMG! Can you believe this fat uggo can actually sing??? WTF???" and that is just wrong.
5. JEFF CONAWAY IS A VIKING NOW
5. JEFF CONAWAY IS A VIKING NOWJeff Conaway, seen here having his tongue sucked by misguided fame-whore girlfriend Vikki Lizzi, apparently wants to die, and, dammit, who are we to say he shouldn't. He's lived a rough life since those glory days on Taxi. We all saw him on that Rehab House show, right, walking around with a cane and shouting nonsense like a doped up Grandpa Simpson? He was a mess, a train wreck, a fucking Kenickie-shaped shell of a former C-level celebrity you halfway recognized from somewhere.
He fell down the stairs this week (don't laugh...don't laugh...) and now Vikki Lizzi is telling E! News that Conaway has started planning his funeral.
"He's talking about being burned on a boat and sent out to sea like a Viking funeral. It sends chills up my spine," Vikki Lizzi told E! News. "We're all trying to save his life, and he's not listening."
Hey, as long as you televise the funeral, I'm fine with it. Can you imagine watching Jeff Conaway in the middle of, like, a lake or something, burning on a funeral pyre? It might restore some dignity back to his legacy.
When reached for comment about expressing his desire for a Viking-style funeral, Conaway said, "I DID NOT! TAKE IT BACK!"
6. ICE DANCE TRIBUTE DEEMED RACIST BY SOME; STUPID BY ALLIce dance tributes: they're lame. But sometimes an ice dance tribute transcends lameness and becomes something much more sinister, even racist.
Oksana Domnina and Maxim Shabalin, the favorites for ice-dancing gold in Vancouver, wowed the crowds with their routine at the European Championships. They sit in the lead after their original dance, a tribute to Australian Aborigines.
Except, Aboriginal leaders don't see it as a tribute. As AFP reports, they don't really see how it has anything to do with their culture at all.
"They have got the whole thing wrong," said Stephen Page, artistic director of the respected indigenous group, the Bangarra Dance Company. Page said there were no traditional movements in the routine, the music sounded more like it came from India or Africa than Aboriginal Australia and the body paint looked like "a three-year-old child had drawn it on"... "Probably the elders in the bush would be laughing because they would be saying, 'Look how stupid these fellas are,' " he said.
Hey, pal, they were trying to honor your people through ice dance! Why don't you lighten the shit up?! GEEZ!
In all fairness to Mr. Page, ice dance tributes are stupid. I think everybody loses in this scenario.
