1. I CAN HAZ GUILTY VERDICT?Sal Esposito of East Boston was called up for jury duty this week. The only problem is...SAL ESPOSITO IS A CAT! BOING!
Sal’s owners, Guy and Anna Esposito, think they may know the source of the mix up: Sal really is a member of the family, so on the last Census form, Anna Esposito listed him under “pets”.
“I just wrote ‘Sal Esposito’, scratched out the ‘dog,’ and wrote, ‘cat,’” said Anna.
“I just wrote ‘Sal Esposito’, scratched out the ‘dog,’ and wrote, ‘cat,’” said Anna.
Wait. There is a space on the census form for pets, but then the only option is "dog?" As if a dog is the only species that could conceivably be considered an official "member of the family." I'm appalled, East Boston! As a certified "cat person," I am greatly offended by this revelation. Cats are every bit as important as dogs in the family hierarchy. Sure, they're more like a great uncle that you rarely ever see and when you do he's standoffish and batting around a ball of yarn, but he still gets a Christmas card laced with catnip. He's family. Technically.
My favorite part of this story is the fact that Sal's owners have attempted to explain the mix-up and have requested the cat's service disqualified and the request has been denied.
2. SNOW BALL PUNKS: YOU'VE BEEN WARNEDYou don't mess with Sylvester Hill and some snowball-toting hoodlums learned that lesson the hard way this week.
According to a police report, Hill said he asked the teens to [stop throwing snowballs at cars], but he said they treated him disrespectfully and refused to do as he asked.
Police said Hill pointed a gun at the teenagers, but he said he did not point the gun at anyone and never cocked the weapon.
Hill's arrest resulted in the 70-year-old man having to turn over all of his handguns to authorities. Now how is he supposed to defend his neighbors' vehicles from snowballs?
If I'd had a gun pointed at me every time I was caught throwing snowballs at cars when I was growing up, well, I would've had a shit ton of guns pointed at me. So your car gets a few snowballs chucked at it. Who cares?
Stupider than this stupid story is this stupid comment left by WLWT.com reader "dreamer" who writes:
Society needs to wake up and put the blame where it belongs. now the local punks know he is not armed, and cannot protect his own life or the life of his family. O'h I'm sorry, all he has to do is call 911, then probally die at the hands of these punks.Its a shame he didnt go ahead and kill as many as he could. that would send a message that you dont act like animals,and damage other peoples property, and when your told to quit,you do so. now the other message has been sent that if you try to protect your own property the punks have more rights than you do.
Really, dreamer? The snowball-throwing teens are going to return to Mr. Hill's residence and murder him? Seriously? They were throwing snowballs at parked cars, asshole! They weren't burning down houses or raping babies. They were goofing around! But now that these "punks," as you call them repeatedly, are aware that Mr. Hill is unarmed they'll have no qualms at all with breaking into his house and slaughtering his family? You are an idiot!
3. THIS WOULDN'T HAPPEN IF YOU'D JUST USE FORKS!
3. THIS WOULDN'T HAPPEN IF YOU'D JUST USE FORKS!14-month-old Li Jingchao had a chopstick removed from his brain this week. Li was apparently playing with the chopstick when he fell and the chopstick was driven into his brain by way of his nose. Sounds like the time I was "browsing" in a "sex novelty shop" and I "fell" on a "phallic" "sex novelty."
Li is gonna be OK, by the way. Doctors were afraid that removal of the chopstick would result in severe brain hemorrhaging, paralyzation or death, but Li suffered nothing worse than a bloody nose and an infection, which I can only assume was of the brain since it wasn't explained any further in the article. Our prayers are with you, Li Jingchao. Maybe next time find something more appropriate to play with than chopsticks. Surely China manufactures enough lead-based toys to keep some for their own children.
4. YOU GET RIGHT THE HELL OUT OF VERMONT, JUMBOYou're lucky you don't live in Vermont, 10-year-old Wylie Malek, because they hate elephants. Yes, in the eyes of the crooked politicians who run the state government, elephants are nothing more than walking tuberculosis farms who will not rest until every man, woman, and child is stricken with the deadly disease.
You think that's crazy? Wait until you see what else is going on in Vermont. You may want to put on an adult diaper because you are gonna totally shit your pants:
-Chain restaurants will be required to display nutritional information on the menu. WHAT? How do you expect me to clog my arteries in good conscience now that I know the fat content of the chili-cheese fries? Killing yourself slowing used to be so much more fun. And more delicious.
-Hunters will have to wear orange when walking around in the woods. RIDICULOUS! Accidental shooting stories make the local news worth during the hunting season. C'mon, Vermont!
-Asian women will no longer be forced to work in illegal massage parlors. I don't think I need to say anything more about that. You sicken me, Vermont.
5. SOUTH PROVES IT REALLY IS A PLACE FULL OF STUPID PEOPLEI've lived in the South now for over 15 years. I love it, especially the area I live, work, and eat to excess in now. Growing up in the Midwest, I never gave it a second thought when I heard people ripping on the South. "Southerners are dumb inbred racists," they'd say and I'd smile and laugh. "All they do is say "y'all" and eat pork rinds and burn crosses and thump Bibles and hump their cousins."
The truth is, Southerners are some of the nicest people on the planet. There are pockets of racism and pork rind consumption here and there, but for the most part Southerners are warm and friendly. And the people here aren't stupid. Sure, many of them talk too slow for my taste, but I can count the number of dumb Southern stereotypes I've met on one hand. Maybe two.
Two members of the city council in a small Sumter County town weren't actually elected to those posts.
No one in the city realized they were supposed to hold an election last year.
The Secretary of State's office says they better fix it soon.
They face seven potential violations, including failing to publish public notice 30 days prior to the election, and failing to appoint an election superintendent.
"We just forgot it, that's the only thing that happened we just forgot it," said Addie Cutts, City of DeSoto Councilwoman.
She said no one in the city council ever raised the question of holding elections in 2009 during their regular scheduled meetings.
"We never mentioned it, not to my knowledge," said Cutts.
6. LADIES BE TRIPPIN'
No one in the city realized they were supposed to hold an election last year.
The Secretary of State's office says they better fix it soon.
They face seven potential violations, including failing to publish public notice 30 days prior to the election, and failing to appoint an election superintendent.
"We just forgot it, that's the only thing that happened we just forgot it," said Addie Cutts, City of DeSoto Councilwoman.
She said no one in the city council ever raised the question of holding elections in 2009 during their regular scheduled meetings.
"We never mentioned it, not to my knowledge," said Cutts.
6. LADIES BE TRIPPIN'Women: they're nuts! But you know that already. Chances are you're around members of the female sex every single day or are female yourself. They're crazy these females. Am I right, fellas? You know I'm right.
Take Alesha McMullen for instance. McMullen was dining at a local McDonalds restaurant this week when she discovered that her cheeseburger had been prepared in a fashion that did not meet her dietary needs. So she did this:
Craaaaa-zy!
Residents of Orlando may have seen our next nutty broad standing outside of the police department last Tuesday:
That's Alexandra Espinosa-Amaya from Colombia. In November 2008, Espinosa-Amaya assaulted a police officer outside of something called the "Dragon Room" which I assume is a facility in which Medieval dragons are birthed and bred, but is more likely some kind of sweaty dance club. Anyway, part of Espionosa-Amaya's punishment was to make this fruity sign and stand around the police department.
That's Alexandra Espinosa-Amaya from Colombia. In November 2008, Espinosa-Amaya assaulted a police officer outside of something called the "Dragon Room" which I assume is a facility in which Medieval dragons are birthed and bred, but is more likely some kind of sweaty dance club. Anyway, part of Espionosa-Amaya's punishment was to make this fruity sign and stand around the police department. Two things: First, the sign is stupid. Flower stickers? Really? To me, this sign sort of mocks the seriousness of the situation.
Second: This conversation between Alexandra and a local reporter:
Local 6 News reporter Tony Pipitone asked Espinosa-Amaya what she had to say to police.
"Whiskey," she replied.
"Whiskey?" Pipitone answered.
"That's what we say in Colombia," she said.
Whatta loon!
7. KISSING KONTEST
7. KISSING KONTESTHouston's Bridal Extravaganza Kissing Contest '10 is over and the winners are: Natalie Silvas and Likhi Orozco and LaShae Tates and Christopher Green. No, they didn't share a four-way kiss (that would've been so hot...), rather each couple kissed amongst themselves for 15 and a half hours. Each couple was awarded $5,000 (SWEET!) worth of wedding-related products (LAME.).
15 hours seems like a long-ass time to kiss, but keep in mind last year's winners went 22 hours. That sounds terrible.
Of course the biggest news story of the week is the terrible tragedy in Haiti. We've had a good time this morning joking around and laughing, but in Haiti people who are truly hurting need more than goofy jokes. Take some time to visit the following sites and if you have anything extra, why not donate it to these people in need. Thanks.
