I've just got one thing to say to you, Nicholas Sparks: you are an asshole! I was just sitting at my desk watching an awful trailer for a terrible movie based on your stupid book and...BAM...at 1:12, I'm bawling. For serious. I've got tears running down my face, snot dripping into my beard--just a complete fucking mess.
I'm an emotional guy. I'm not embarrassed. My eyes are raw and puffy by the end of just about every LOST episode. After completing a traumatic three months of student teaching in a Harnett County high school, an experience I still refuse to talk about, the only cure for my malaise was a viewing of my all-time favorite tearjerker, Dancer in the Dark (Something about watching Bjork being hanged for a crime she barely committed really gets to me). I still count sobbing through The Green Mile in a nearly empty theater one afternoon as one of the most rewarding and, hell, cathartic moviegoing experiences of my life. And it doesn't take sad shit to make me shed a cry. The little Pixar lamp can bounce across the screen and I'm a blubbering mess because I know what's coming. I lost it during the opening moments of the first Chronicles of Narnia movie because I love the book so much.
But a Nicholas Sparks movie? Not even a movie--the trailer for a movie! I can't imagine what would happen if I accidentally wandered into a showing of Dear John. I might actually cry my dick off and maybe later find a vagina growing where my penis used to hang.
Damn it, Nicholas Sparks! You're an asshole!
