1. IS SHE REALLY GOING OUT WITH HIM? GEP would like to take a moment to congratulate Ahmed Muhamed Dore on his most recent marriage. The 112-year-old Somalian man married wife #6 last month and is looking forward to filling her with babies as soon as possible. All said, Dore boasts 114 children and grandchildren combined. That's a lot of birthdays to remember.
Oh, yeah, I almost forgot: Dore's new wife is 17-years-old:
Dore said he and his bride - who is young enough to be his great-great-grand-daughter - were from the same village in Somalia and that he had waited for her to grow up to propose.
"I didn't force her but used my experience to convince her of my love and then we agreed to marry," he said.
"I didn't force her but used my experience to convince her of my love and then we agreed to marry," he said.
At least he waited for her to grow up before he proposed. That makes the whole thing less creepy...right?
Actually, it doesn't, because this story is creepy and weird and wrong. I know what you're thinking: "Aw, c'mon, Matt! You just don't understand the culture. In Somalia this kind of arrangement is perfectly acceptable. You're such a narrow-minded American. You suck." But keep in mind that this unnamed 17-year-old Somalian girl is stepmother to AN 80-YEAR-OLD MAN! That is gross.
And before you go telling people what an ugly American I am for not supporting these supremely twisted nuptials, you should know I'm not the only Negative Nancy in the world:
The reaction to news of the marriage has been mixed.
Some people said while it was allowed under Islamic law, they were concerned about the age gap, but others were happy that age was not a barrier to love.
Dore told the BBC he was born in Dhusamareeb in central Somalia in 1897 - and has a traditional birth certificate, written on goat skin by his father.
Some people said while it was allowed under Islamic law, they were concerned about the age gap, but others were happy that age was not a barrier to love.
Dore told the BBC he was born in Dhusamareeb in central Somalia in 1897 - and has a traditional birth certificate, written on goat skin by his father.
However you feel about a decrepit old relic marrying a young girl just entering the prime of her life, you've got to admit that having a birth certificate written on goat skin is pretty effing cool. Anyway, congratulations or whatever. 
2. A COTTON-PICKIN' SHAME!
The teachers plan to write letters to leaders at the historic Latta Plantation about their disapproval of a hands-on history lesson during a Rea View Elementary class trip Wednesday.
During a lesson on the Civil War, tour guide Ian Campbell, who is himself black, made black students pretend to be slaves in front of their white classmates.
2. A COTTON-PICKIN' SHAME!A recent elementary school field trip to a plantation in Union County, North Carolina, has parents and faculty members super pissed, probably for good reason:
A controversial history lesson left parents and teachers upset in Union County.
The teachers plan to write letters to leaders at the historic Latta Plantation about their disapproval of a hands-on history lesson during a Rea View Elementary class trip Wednesday.
During a lesson on the Civil War, tour guide Ian Campbell, who is himself black, made black students pretend to be slaves in front of their white classmates.
Whoa. Party foul.
I don't know if the author of this article included the fact that Campbell is black to make the situation seem a little less racist, but he failed. I don't care what racial background a historian/tour guide comes from--you don't dress black kids up in slave garb, hand them a child-sized burlap sack, and force them to pick cotton in front of a large group of white children. Campbell wasn't making history come alive as much as he was making a whole bunch of little kids super uncomfortable.
In the article, Campbell says that in the future he will ask for volunteers rather than pick black kids exclusively to play the slaves, but I think I have a better idea: tell the kids about the horrors the slaves had to endure, show them some pictures, and point out that we've come a long way since those times. Make history come alive in a less controversial part of the plantation tour, like, I don't know, give everybody a turn operating the cotton gin or something.
I wonder if the students at Rea View Elementary got to eat at Arby's after the plantation tour. An Arby's roast beef sandwich was always my favorite part of any field trip.
3. HEADLINE OF THE WEEK
3. HEADLINE OF THE WEEKGOAT CONTROVERSY BREWING IN SOUTHINGTON
(You can read the article attached to this headline here. I didn't.)
4. UPDATE: ATHEIST BILLBOARDS VS. MISGUIDED CHRISTIAN RAGE
4. UPDATE: ATHEIST BILLBOARDS VS. MISGUIDED CHRISTIAN RAGEAs expected, those atheist billboards GEP keeps reporting on, are finally pissing some Christians off. And for good reason! The more stupid atheist billboards there are, the less stupid Billboard Messages from God billboards there are. It's Billboardageddon out there, people. The battle for highway travelers' souls has begun!
A 36-foot wide billboard that asks: "Don't believe in god? You're not alone," is upsetting quite a few people.
Wednesday, just before noon, a protestor stood under the sign put up by Atheists of Florida yelling into his microphone attached to two big speakers. His message was simple: bring the sign down.
People driving by cheered. Fellow supporter Otis Preast couldn't believe it was up in the first place.
"I've had too many miracles happen, I know there's a Jesus,” Preast said.
Wednesday, just before noon, a protestor stood under the sign put up by Atheists of Florida yelling into his microphone attached to two big speakers. His message was simple: bring the sign down.
People driving by cheered. Fellow supporter Otis Preast couldn't believe it was up in the first place.
"I've had too many miracles happen, I know there's a Jesus,” Preast said.
And atheists have experienced a whole lot of coincidences that don't require belief in the existence of an all-knowing, all-powerful deity. You guys are never going to agree, so why not live in harmony or, at least, ignore each other. If you're a Christian and you believe in the Bible (even the crazy parts), do that, go to Heaven when you die, and hock loogies on the unbelievers burning in Hell below you. Or, if you are an atheist and feel the need to remind the rest of us that you don't believe in a god every single waking hour of your life (sheesh!), do that, die, and become one with the soil or something. There's room for everybody on this crazy planet. Now, shut the fuck up and do something worthwhile with your life. Stop slapping up billboards and handing out Chick tracts, and buy lunch for a homeless dude. Stop preaching about the "End Times" and making fun of Christians on your weekly HBO talk show, and, I don't know, hook up with the Habitat for Humanity folks and build a damn house! God or no God, you've got a limited amount of time, so do something positive and quit pissing me off!
5. MICHAEL LOHAN'S DIRECT LINE TO GOD
5. MICHAEL LOHAN'S DIRECT LINE TO GODJon Gosselin has been in the news so much lately, that I'm sure many of you have forgotten what a colossal prick Lindsay Lohan's father can be sometimes. Well, Michael Lohan, the consummate douche-nozzle, must have noticed that Gosselin was stealing all his douchey thunder, because this week he was back and "better" than ever:
The ugly war of words between Michael and Lindsay Lohan shows no signs of cooling off.
Michael has released another audio tape, accusing his daughter of lying – and wasting her God-given talent.
On Thursday, Lindsay claimed on her Twitter page that Michael used to threaten to kill his then-wife Dina, Lindsay's mother, if she left him. Michael responded with a denial in an interview with New York Post Friday.
"That's a lie," he says. "I guess Lindsay is on more drugs than I thought to say something like that … No wonder why God is taking her entire career away from her. Because she's forsaken everything He's given her and she's done nothing but misuse all the gifts she's given."
On Thursday, Lindsay claimed on her Twitter page that Michael used to threaten to kill his then-wife Dina, Lindsay's mother, if she left him. Michael responded with a denial in an interview with New York Post Friday.
"That's a lie," he says. "I guess Lindsay is on more drugs than I thought to say something like that … No wonder why God is taking her entire career away from her. Because she's forsaken everything He's given her and she's done nothing but misuse all the gifts she's given."
Wait. Michael Lohan released another audio tape? Who is he, Richad Nixon? Why the fuck is Michael Lohan making and releasing audio tapes? Who is he releasing these audio tapes to, I wonder? Is there anyone anywhere still interested at all in the goings on of the Lohan family? I'm not, even though, yes, I am reporting this story, but give me a break, GEP is here to poke fun at the douche-tards that litter the pop culture landscape. This shit is our bread and butter. I hope there is no legitimate news source actively pursuing Michael Lohan's tape collection. If Lindsay Lohan had never been a Hollywood star that one time, no one would give half a shit about her dumb ass parents. As it is, the only reason anyone gives half a shit now is because by and large, Americans are bored and petty and watching the downfall of has-been celebrities and their trainwreck families provides a respite from the day-to-day bullshit of modern life.
I hope Michael and Lindsay never kiss and make up. I hope they continue to insult each other in the pages of People magazine and on Extra or Access Hollywood or whatever bullshit info-tainment show people waste their time watching for years to come. Watching horrible people do stupid horrible things makes life worth living. Not only that, but it gives me stuff to write about every Saturday morning.
NEWS BITS OUT!!!!
