Unfortunately (or fortunately, as far as I'm concerned), when one reaches a certain age, the costumes are put away and the candy is purchased from a vending machine at the office you trudge to every morning to suffer through another depressing day of endless tedium. Sure, a little piece of your soul shrivels and dies with each paper you push, but at least you've got Snickers. It's time to grow up and let the kids have Halloween. Adults run everything else anyway, so it's the least we can do.
But, no, that would make life infinitely less annoying and we can't have that. How many Halloween parties have you been invited to and told, "You gotta wear a costume!" in some sing-songy voice that makes you want to throttle the inviter with a series of Spinning Bird Kicks? I don't want to wear a costume! I want to drink wine coolers and shoot the shit with my friends--maybe watch a horror movie or three. I'm thirty years old! What the hell do I want to dress up for?
The only positive thing I can say about adult costumes, particularly the lady ones, is that they are usually, for lack of a better term, sluttier than hell. More often than not, a slutty (see also "scanty," "whorish," or "porny") costume forces me to seriously reconsider my position on adults who celebrate Halloween. Then there are costumes, like those in tonight's feature, that are so brain-meltingly stupid, I can't help but believe that I am right and everyone else on the planet is a blithering idiot.
1. The Queen of Hearts/The Sexy Queen of Hearts
The Queen of Hearts is arguably the ugliest evil-queen-who-does-not-possess-the-ability-to-transform-into-a-fire-breathing-dragon in the Disney oeuvre. She is loony, loudmouthed, and porcine. If I were to ask a young lady what she was planning on dressing up as for Halloween for some reason and she chose to answer my inquiry rather than slap me across the face whilst screaming "I don't know you, pervert!" with, "The Queen of Hearts of course," I would respond, "Oh, but you are moderately attractive and the Queen of Hearts I'm currently thinking of looks more than a little like Rosie O'Donnell." If she then quipped, "You don't understand, strange man I do not know. I'm dressing up as the Sexy Queen of Hearts," my head would implode and the girl would find herself too traumatized to speak ever again. A Sexy Queen of Hearts?! Impossible, I say!
The Queen of Hearts is arguably the ugliest evil-queen-who-does-not-possess-the-ability-to-transform-into-a-fire-breathing-dragon in the Disney oeuvre. She is loony, loudmouthed, and porcine. If I were to ask a young lady what she was planning on dressing up as for Halloween for some reason and she chose to answer my inquiry rather than slap me across the face whilst screaming "I don't know you, pervert!" with, "The Queen of Hearts of course," I would respond, "Oh, but you are moderately attractive and the Queen of Hearts I'm currently thinking of looks more than a little like Rosie O'Donnell." If she then quipped, "You don't understand, strange man I do not know. I'm dressing up as the Sexy Queen of Hearts," my head would implode and the girl would find herself too traumatized to speak ever again. A Sexy Queen of Hearts?! Impossible, I say!
Well, I'll be damned. This is the Sexy Queen of Hearts apparently. Hmmmmm. It certainly is sexy, that is, if you consider "slutty" synonymous with "sexy," which I do. This costumes says Street Walking Whore Stripper to me though, but I'm comfortable with that. Let's move on.2. The Mad Hatter/Sexy Mad Hatter
Legions of Johnny Depp fans might disagree with me, but I've never even considered the Mad Hatter attractive, let alone sexy. He's always presented as a diminutive crazy person with a beak-like nose and a dangerous fetish for tea. There's certainly nothing sexually appealing about any of that, is there?
This sexy version of the Mad Hatter makes me very uncomfortable. If I start popping a boner every time I hear the Un-birthday Song from now on, I'm going to be very sore with you, sexy Mad Hatter lady.
Legions of Johnny Depp fans might disagree with me, but I've never even considered the Mad Hatter attractive, let alone sexy. He's always presented as a diminutive crazy person with a beak-like nose and a dangerous fetish for tea. There's certainly nothing sexually appealing about any of that, is there?
This sexy version of the Mad Hatter makes me very uncomfortable. If I start popping a boner every time I hear the Un-birthday Song from now on, I'm going to be very sore with you, sexy Mad Hatter lady.3. The Cheshire Cat/The Sexy Cheshire Cat
Rounding out our Alice in Wonderland trio is fan favorite, the Cheshire Cat. There is no way someone could turn this roly-poly furbag into a big-titted hottie I'd want to bang repeatedly in a public restroom stall for a nominal fee. No way!
OK. So, you learned me. But, c'mon! Really? This isn't a Cheshire Cat costume. It's a hooker dress with a tail sewn to the ass. That's all. No one sees this and goes, "Cheshire Cat, right?" No, they say, "Oops, I dropped my car keys. Could you bend over and retrieve them for me."
Rounding out our Alice in Wonderland trio is fan favorite, the Cheshire Cat. There is no way someone could turn this roly-poly furbag into a big-titted hottie I'd want to bang repeatedly in a public restroom stall for a nominal fee. No way!
OK. So, you learned me. But, c'mon! Really? This isn't a Cheshire Cat costume. It's a hooker dress with a tail sewn to the ass. That's all. No one sees this and goes, "Cheshire Cat, right?" No, they say, "Oops, I dropped my car keys. Could you bend over and retrieve them for me."As dumb as this costume is, I will admit that it is way better than the male version:
4. Spongebob Squarepants/Sexy Spongebob Squarepants
Did you make it this far or did your brain explode? It's true, they've somehow taken the least sexual character in pop culture history after Michael Jackson and turned it into a "sexy" costume. I give you, Sexy Spongebob Squarepants:
Honestly, if Spongebob looked like this, I might give his TV show a chance and stop badmouthing it sight unseen. All that aside, this costume is kind of inappropriate, isn't it? Not in a dominatrix nun way or a giant penis way or even in a baby Hitler way, but still inappropriate.
4. Spongebob Squarepants/Sexy Spongebob Squarepants
Did you make it this far or did your brain explode? It's true, they've somehow taken the least sexual character in pop culture history after Michael Jackson and turned it into a "sexy" costume. I give you, Sexy Spongebob Squarepants:
Honestly, if Spongebob looked like this, I might give his TV show a chance and stop badmouthing it sight unseen. All that aside, this costume is kind of inappropriate, isn't it? Not in a dominatrix nun way or a giant penis way or even in a baby Hitler way, but still inappropriate.Next time: Sexy Ghostbusters, Sexy Sidekicks, and Sexy Clowns!
