1. IDOL CHIT CHATAmerican Idol fans were saddened to learn of two time auditioner/complete psychopath Alexis Cohen's death as the result of a hit-and-run earlier this week, but that wasn't nearly as shocking as former contestant Ju'Not Joyner's (Remember him? Me neither.) earth-shattering revelation during an online chat that the popular singing contest is rigged.
"'It's a fixed thing if I ever saw one," he boldly declared--much to the shock of many naive chatters, who responded with capslocked interjections and frowny-faced emoticons."
WTF? RIGGED?!? THAT IS TOTES UNKEWL! :( :( :(. Revealing that American Idol may in many ways not be a totally honest endeavor, the results of which are not necessarily 100% determined by the home audience, is like telling your best friend that pizza is delicious. C'mon, Ju'not! What do you thing we are, a bunch of idiots? Everybody knows American Idol isn't entirely on the up and up. Look how far Adam Lambert got, for God's sake! And that's not an "I hate Adam Lambert because he is totally lame" joke...it's the truth. This is a program in which the judges consistently remind viewers that they are looking for an artist who can sell records, clog America's Top 40 stations with more boring pop/hip-hop hybrids, and sell out Midwestern arenas. Was Adam Lambert gonna do that? No f'ing way!
Ju'Not, whose album drops just in time for Christmas, had some questions about the contracts contestants were required to sign, after all, he is a true artist who writes his on songs and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah:
'"They didn't like the fact that I wouldn't sign 'just anything' and that other contestants were coming asking me questions. So I think they ousted me the first chance they could get...Even if I didn't get in on votes...how did I not get picked for the Wild Card show when I received comments from the 'judges' that were better than most of the contestants who were picked for the Wild Card show?"
Ju'Not also theorized that he was not selected for the top 13 because he refused to let the show's producers exploit his sympathetic "back story" of being from "the hood." Said Ju'Not: "They wanted me to put that out to the world and expose my personal business for ratings. I wouldn't do it.'"
Ju'Not also theorized that he was not selected for the top 13 because he refused to let the show's producers exploit his sympathetic "back story" of being from "the hood." Said Ju'Not: "They wanted me to put that out to the world and expose my personal business for ratings. I wouldn't do it.'"
Had you even seen American Idol before auditioning, Ju'Not? If you've got a back story worth exploited, you're as good as in the Top 12. Contestants with dead wives, drug addicted fathers, and non-functioning eyeballs make it to the big stage; losers who refuse to use their crappy upbringing to garner favor from the producers get shown the door. If you really want that fame, that mainstream success that has been just beyond your grasp for years and years, you get out there and your sell your soul. If you just want to be a bitter ex-reality show contestant chatting with cretinous mouthbreathers online all your life, follow Ju'Not's lead. Can't wait for the new single, jackass.
2. AND NOW, THE DUMBEST MAN IN AMERICA...
2. AND NOW, THE DUMBEST MAN IN AMERICA...Say hello to Boston police officer Justin Barrett. He was so moved by an article in his local paper describing the sequence of events leading to Harvard professor Henry Gates Jr.'s arrest, that he fired off a mass e-mail in which he referred to Gates as a "banana-eating jungle monkey." Naturally, the e-mail was picked up by the the national press, exposing Barrett's mental retardation to the whole country.
Now Barrett's on an apology tour, saying the following on a recent episode of Larry King Live:
'"I would like to take this opportunity to offer fellow police officers, soldiers and citizens my sincerest apology over the controversial e-mail I authored," Barrett said on CNN. "I am not a racist. I did not intend any racial bigotry, harm or prejudice in my words. I sincerely apologize that these words have been received as such. I truly apologize to all.'"
Barrett is so not racist, he used the term "jungle monkey" four times in his e-mail. He is currently waiting to hear if he's been fired from the police force or not. My advice: crack open that Help Wanted section in your local newspaper, Justin, because your ass is as good as canned.
"I did not intend any racial bigotry, harm or prejudice in my words." What is this moron talking about? On what planet is the phrase "jungle monkey" an appropriate term to use when writing about a black man? If the e-mail wasn't intended to promote bigotry, why didn't he refer to Gates as a "hothead" or a "nutcase?" Sorry, Barrett, but I ain't buying your two bit apology. You're a fucking racist. Moving on...
4. (SORORITY) HOUSE OF WAXIf you're a high school graduate about to head off into the exciting world of college this fall, here's a tip on how to make new friends fast: buy them! It's that easy. Give enough money to your favorite sorority or fraternity and you've got instant friendships that are required to last a lifetime.
Sorority life ain't always what it's cracked up to be, however, especially when your president is using your hard-earned friend-making money to commission a wax figure of herself. Barbara McKinzie, president of Alpha Kappa Alpha, one of the oldest black sororities in America, is being sued, along with AKA's board of directors, for allegedly using $900,000 dollars of the organization's money to get a couple of wax figures made. $900,000 dollars for a wax figure? Are you kidding me? A RealDoll costs five-thousand and some change and it can suck your dick! Some wax figure making SOB just got the luckiest break of his career. Can you imagine a "board of directors" making the decision to spend $900,000 dollars on a couple of stupid wax dummies? There's a real Algonquin Round Table for ya.
5. FILE UNDER THINGS I'LL NEVER PUT IN MY MOUTH-HOLEIguanas are literally destroying the state of Florida, trouncing it like the miniature-Godzilla-from-the-the-shitty-Roland-Emmerich-version-of-Godzilla they look like, and George Cera is sick and tired of the senseless destruction:
George Cera has an eye for the exotic. Using a pellet gun Wednesday, he took out two iguanas within minutes of stepping into a yard on Siesta Key.
But Cera has no intention of pellet-gunning the suckers down and leaving their carcasses to rot in the sun. No, sir, Cera intends to eat 'em. And he wants his fellow Floridians to do the same, in fact, he's made it easy on them by publishing a cookbook:
"This year, Cera decided to put his thoughts on paper. The Sarasota man has published a book called "Save Florida: Eat an Iguana - The Iguana Cookbook."
His philosophy is that if you're going to take something's life, you should eat it."
His philosophy is that if you're going to take something's life, you should eat it."
6. GEORGE CERA TO TACKLE THE HOMELESS PROBLEM NEXTMonorail accidents, Cuban drug runners, elderly drivers, vicious iguanas--doesn't Florida have enough problems? New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg doesn't think so, so he's sending the homeless:
"Orange County Mayor Rich Crotty has a strong message for the mayor of New York City: Stop sending the homeless to Florida.
Officials in the Big Apple are buying one-way plane, train, and bus tickets for homeless families to leave the city.
It's part of a program to keep the homeless out of the expensive shelter system, which costs $36,000 a year per family. More than 550 families have left the city since 2007 and many of them are coming to Georgia, the Carolinas and Florida."
So, that's where all the homeless people went. I was remarking to my wife on our most recent visit to NYC how clean and homeless-less the city felt. "It's so nice here now," I smiled, tossing a half-eaten hot dog into a garbage can just because. "I don't know where the homeless shuffled off to, but I hope they never come back." We then shared a hearty laugh.
What an odd program. "Here's a plane ticket out of town, homeless family. Why not try being homeless in a warmer part of the country for a bit. And, kids, you know who lives in Florida? That's right...Mickey Mouse! I mean, you won't get to meet him or anything, but you could sell knock-off Disney t-shirts on the streets of Orlando to help maintain your mother's crack habit. OK, guys, have a safe trip. Don't ever come back" Odd.
