Saturday Morning News Bits: Sarah Palin, marital rape, racist swimming pools, dead animals, and gay penguins

1.) FILLING THE JON AND KATE GAP

Levi Johnston has a few things to say about Sarah Palin's resignation as the governor of Alaska. You might remember Johnston as the young man who filled Palin's oldest daughter, Bristol, with a baby last year.  Obviously his opinion on this whole matter is worth more than a thousand political experts combined, so let's see what he's yammering about:

"She had talked about how nice it would be to take some of this money people had been offering us and you know just run with it, say 'forget everything else,'" he said.  He said he thinks book deals were really what appealed to Palin.  "I think the big deal was the book. That was millions of dollars..."

Levi, who is apparently working on his own book deal, went on to say that he didn't think Palin was "cut out for the job as president."  OK, maybe he's not such an idiot after all.

Palin's representatives fired back with the following statement:

"It is interesting to learn Levi is working on a piece of fiction while honing his acting skills."

Wow, these two are bickering  back and forth like a couple of secret lovers whose affair has soured.  I'm not implying anything, I'm just saying.

Also, I've said it before (ask Jonathan) and I'll say it again: if I wasn't a happily married man and she was up for it, I would so bang Sarah Palin.  Damn!
2.) MARITAL RAPE OUT; AFGHAN MEN MUST FIND NEW WAY TO KEEP WIVES IN LINE

The government of Afghanistan has finally outlawed marital rape, leaving Afghan men fewer options for disciplining their significant others.  This is a great victory for women in Afghanistan who now only have to worry about public stonings, honor killings, and heat stroke from having to be wrapped up in burkas all the damn time.  The revised law gives a woman the right to refuse sex to her husband if she feels ill or is "not in the mood," but requires her to "do certain housework."  I don't know if "certain housework" is a euphemism for "sexual intercourse" or if it just means Afghan women must now vacuum the house in the buff, but I do know Afghanistan is a super fucked up place.
3.) BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CHUBBY WHITE KID ON THE FAR RIGHT?  SURELY HE CAN TAKE A DIP!

I found this story unbe-fucking-lievable.  Apparently a Philadelphia-based day care center signed an agreement with a local private swim club that would allow it's charges to use the pool a couple of times a week during the summer.  So, the kids show up, a couple of swim club members make some disgusting racist comments (One women expressed her fear that one of the visiting African-American children would "do something" to her child.  Do what?  Teach your child that racial unity is a beautiful thing?  Dispel the rumor that black people can't swim? Possibly befriend your child and...GASP...come to your house for dinner?  Lady, you suck. Someone should take your kid away from you.  For realz.)  The club's president, John Duesler, explained that there were simply too many children and that his facility didn't have enough life guards or room for them. By refusing to honor his agreement with Creative Steps Day Care, he claimed he was somehow protecting their safety.  Really, Mr. Duesler, is that why you told two local television stations that the children's presence changed the "atmosphere" and the "complexion" of your precious swim club?  Asshole!  God, people like John Duesler piss me off. It's fucking 2009, jack-ass!  Let's get off this racist kick and let some kids swim.  It's the summer time, dude. They're hot and bored.  DAMMIT!
4.) DOES ANYBODY KNOW IF JACK KEVORKIAN DOES ANIMALS?

The Franklin Park Zoo in Boston may be closing it's door in the near future.  What happens to the animals when a zoo closes down, you might ask.  Well, apparently, if no other zoo is willing to take them, they are euthanized.  Yes, that's right, unwanted animals--from warthogs to giraffes--will be put to sleep.  Fun!  I guess it makes sense--they're zoo animals after all.  They wouldn't know what to do if they suddenly found themselves released into the wilds of Africa. It wouldn't be a happy little adventure like Madagascar.  Chances are they'd be snubbed by their own kind for being too snooty to forage or hunt for their own food or be picked off pretty quickly by predators.  Still it's sad to think about the residents of the Franklin Park Zoo, an institution that's been around since 1913, being put down just because nobody wants another tapir or another flamingo.  Franklin Park estimates 20% of their animals will probably be euthanized if the zoo is forced to close it's doors.  Sigh.

(Hey, if you're interested in helping these animals out, visit the Zoo New England Web site and donate some cash.  They'd do the same for you, you know, if they had jobs.)
5.) BIZARRE LOVE TRIANGLE

Harry and Pepper, the San Francisco Zoo's world-famous same-sex penguin couple, have broken up.  And it's all because of a female penguin named Linda:

"Male Magellan penguins Harry and Pepper have been together since 2003. The pair nested together and even incubated an egg laid by another penguin in 2008, but their relationship hit the rocks earlier this year when a female penguin, Linda, befriended Harry after her long-time companion died.  This did not go over well with Pepper, who became violent. The three penguins were separated for some time following the fight."

Man, it's like Melrose Place over there at the San Francisco Zoo.  I feel bad for Pepper, who now spends his days watching Linda and his former lover from afar, possibly reminiscing about the years they spent together or wondering if Harry ever thinks of him fondly.  More than likely, Pepper's thinking about his next meal.  I mean, they're penguins, for God's sake.  Pepper will find another gay penguin to settle down with, I'm sure of it.  Hey, at least you're in San Francisco and not facing a death sentence like the poor bastards in Boston.  Count your lucky stars, Pepper.