Saturday Morning News Bits: Bruno, topless coffee, hurricane control, and surprise pornography

1.) I'VE SAID IT BEFORE AND I'LL SAY IT AGAIN: THE IRISH HATE SATIRE

One of my favorite weekend activities is calling up my local multiplex's movie time hotline and listening to the listless teenage girl with the thick Southern accent announce the titles, ratings, and showtimes of the current releases. She starts off so full of spunk, but degenerates into a boredom-induced comatose state that never fails to bring a smile to my face. She's only rattling off names, ratings, and start times. She isn't making any judgement calls or offering her amateur opinion on the films she's listing. "Here's the movie, here's what the MPAA has decided to rate it, here's how long it is, bada-bing, bada-boom, gift certificates are on sale at the box office." Simple.

A movie theater in Ireland, however, has added a bit of commentary to their movie hotline, in particular, this message about Sacha Baron Cohen's latest film Bruno:

"Bruno is particularly vile. It leads to a hell of a lot complaints. It will offend every prejudice in the book, believe me, so don't come on after and tell us how horrible it was."

Now that's protecting your ass.
2.) BREAKING NEWS UPDATE: AN ANSWER TO PRAYER IN VASSALBORO, MAINE

Earlier this year, GEP brought you the story of the Grandview Coffee Shop, a popular topless establishment in Maine that was tragically burned to the ground.  Just thinking of the poor citizens of Vassalboro being forced to buy their morning cup of joe from a fully dressed barista made me sick to my stomach. I often cried myself to sleep at night, pleading with God for answers. "Why do bad things happen to good people?" I wailed into the abyss, but alas, no answer came. I've been glued to the internets for weeks, waiting for a glimmer of hope. Would a Vassalboro-area Starbuck's employees suck it up and go shirtless for awhile? Where would those poor souls who only felt comfortable purchasing refreshments from topless young women go when they got a hankering for a low-fat decaf mocha or a cinnamon raisin scone?

I'm pleased to report that the national nightmare is over. Grandview Topless Coffee Shop is going to be rebuilt and this time it's going to be better than ever! The new building will be able to service up to 80 people at a time and will stay open until one o'clock in the morning! There may even be dancing at some point! Thank you, Jesus, for your many blessings. I can sleep again.
3.) BILL GATES IS YOUR GOD NOW

Microsoft's Bill Gates is throwing his hat into the weather controlling game, more specifically, hurricane weakening. Gate's idea: turn the hose on 'em. Yes, the same method human's have used for years to break up dog fights, is now being employed to stop hurricanes dead in their tracks.

"Five U.S. Patent and Trade Office patent applications, made public on July 9, propose slowing hurricanes by pumping cold, deep-ocean water in their paths from barges. If issued, the patents offer 18 years of legal rights to the idea for Gates and co-inventors, including climate scientist Ken Caldeira of the Carnegie Institution of Washington.

First requested by Gates and colleagues last year, the patents describe methods "not limited to atmospheric management, weather management, hurricane suppression, hurricane prevention, hurricane intensity modulation, hurricane deflection" to manage storms."

That's great news for people in areas prone to vicious hurricane attacks, but bad news for my nefarious plot to take over the world with my dastardly Hurricane Machine. Phooey on you, William Gates, I say, phooey!
4.) GRANNY PORN

A Borough Park grandmother discovered a pornographic film tacked onto the end of the Austin Powers VHS tape she rented from the library for her grandkids this week. Following the end credits of Mike Myers' "hilarious" spy spoof, Granny Klein was horrified to find the hardcore classic What Happens When the Wife is Away already in progress. And just what happens when the wife is away, hmmmmm?

"This was very bad stuff," Klein said

Really? That's all you can tell us? Was there any ball licking? Anilingus? Did a lady use a strap-on to penetrate a man? Were any pizzas delivered and, if so, how large was the pizza delivery boy's schlong? C'mon, Grandma, inquiring minds want to know!

This isn't the first tape borrowed from the Brooklyn Public Library to feature pornographic images--it's the 19th! I'm sorry, but this sounds like the best library in the country. Damn you, Old Lady Klein, and your porn-hatin' ways!