Teens and texting go together like rat fleas and the Black Plague. It is not uncommon to see hordes of teenagers lounging in the food court at the local mall or clogging the front doors of your neighborhood multiplex texting like there's no tomorrow. They rarely acknowledge the people they are physically with, choosing instead to stare slack-jawed at the tiny cell phone screen in front of them as they type their "lols" and their "omgs." It's sad and pathetic and weird. And, seriously, if I have to hear one more story about my parent's friends' teenage children racking up huge phone bills through reckless texting, I'm going to puke my lungs out. I didn't have texting capabilities when I was a lad and I turned out all right.Listen, I don't wish pain and suffering on the teenage population of America. As long as they stay quiet at the movies and generally stay out of my line of sight, we'll get along just fine. However, I do enjoy, as Tim Conway Jr. would say, a good "teenage A-hole" story, and this one has got to be the best I've heard in a long time.
Whilst text messaging/strolling down Victory Blvd. last weekend, Staten Island teen Alexa Longueira stepped into an open manhole, tumbling into the putrid sewer below. Classic! She didn't die or anything (I'm not that heartless), but the fall did scare her a little. Some Department of Environmental Protection guys, who had turned their backs for a second to grab some orange cones to place around the gaping hole, helped her out of the sewer, apologizing profusely. Regardless, the Longueira family has decided to sue (?!?), they just haven't decided who or what will face their misguided wrath.
OK, first of all, what are you doing apologizing to this chick, DEP? So you didn't have the cones right there ready to create a perimeter. Most people are gonna see a gaping hole in the street and walk around it. It's kind of something humans do: avoid holes. Most of us do not require the presence of traffic cones to keep us from falling into the sewer. Alexa was so wrapped up in her own little world, however, that she failed to notice the abyss looming ahead and fell in. It's not the DEP's fault, it's Alexa's, and she deserves every scrape she got. End of story.
Secondly, who the hell do you think you're gonna sue, Longueiras? I could see you hiring a fancy TV lawyer (you know, one of them real slick fellers what advertises during The Maury Povich Paternity Hour) and taking on the DEP, but I'm not sure you'd win anything. You could take on New York City, but again, and I'm not a lawyer, I don't think you have much of a case. Why not sue the cell phone company or the person who invented texting or God Himself for giving mankind the capacity to create things like cell phone technology, instant messaging, and sewer systems. Or better yet, why don't you take your lumps on the evening news (because no one is going to feel sympathy for your idiot daughter, OK?) and then fade into the ether like every other family that becomes famous for 15 seconds for some ridiculous reason no one can remember a month later.
Also, I was kind of awestruck by the photo accompanying this article:
Wow! India is really proud of their manhole covers, aren't they? "Made in India" is in larger print than "N.Y.C. Sewer." Good for you, India.
