Watching Cake Farts for the first time last night, I experienced a wide range of emotions, as well as, a sudden crippling fear of the direction our country is hurtling. I'm all for freedom of expression and sexual congress with baked goods (provided those baked goods have acquiesced to being violated), but Cake Farts is a horrific conundrum of epically awful proportions. Moment to moment, I was at a loss as to what to say, think, or feel. Here now, for your reading (dis)pleasure, is an approximation of the moods/emotions I experienced while viewing Cake Farts:1.) Confusion
"You know what I like?" a scantily clad young lady asks her viewing audience. Long walks on the beach, I thought. Working out at the gym with your best gal pal? Curling up by a roaring fire with a good book and a glass of white wine?
"Cake farts," she coos.
Wait...what? Cake farts? Of all the things in the world you could tell millions of internet users that you like, you choose cake farts? What are cake farts anyway? That phrase means nothing to me. Cake farts? Doesn't make any sense.
2.) Titillation
As the young woman rounds the kitchen counter we discover that she is sans pants and underwear. I've temporarily forgotten that just seconds before she mentioned her affinity for something called "cake farts." I like where this is going.
3.) Horrified Shock
Wait. What is she doing? She's climbing up onto the kitchen counter. Oh my God...there's a perfectly innocent chocolate cake up there. She is squatting over it. Oh, God! Oh, no!
4.) Disgust
Oh! Cake farts! Now I get it. This girl likes farting on cakes. That's dumb. And gross. But...
5.) Admiration
...damn that girl can fart! I mean, these aren't little girly farts, these are full on cross-country-trucker- after-two-or-three-microwave-burrito farts. She's brought her A-game with these poots, man. Usually I'm pretty grossed out by the idea of beautiful women farting (especially farting on food--especially when that food is delicious, delicious cake), but this is impressive.
6.) Anger
What a perfectly awful waste of cake. As a cake fan, I'm offended. And what about the scores of children all over the world without cake or any food for that matter? Why don't you just make a video where you visit an African village and slap the shit out of a starving baby, Cake Fart Girl? That cake could've fed a family of four and now it's all farted up. Plus, most of the frosting is stuck to your ample buttcheeks. You food farters make me sick! Everything's about you, you, you. And food. And farting on food.
7) Acceptance
Let's face it, we live in a world gone mad. Maybe cake farts are the last frontier of sexual exploration. Maybe they are just the beginning. Either way, wherever there are large groups of diverse human beings co-existing together, there will be weird fetishes and creepy Web videos. It's better to just embrace it and move on. You'll drive yourself insane or weep yourself into a coma otherwise. Let the cake farters fart on cakes, pies, Twinkies, and whatever the hell else they think needs a healthy dose of their mighty winds. It could be a whole lot worse.
Now what's this? Meatloaf farts? What could this be?
(If you now feel the need to experience Cake Farts for yourself, just go to Google and enter the words "cake" and "farts" and click the link. It goes without saying, Cake Farts is totally NSFW. I haven't seen Meatloaf Farts, but I imagine it's quite similar. Watch at your own risk.)
