9. ABOVE THE LAW (STEVEN SEAGAL)
Simply put, Steven Seagal's debut film is a snooze-fest. I can barely remember anything that happened. I think someone tries to blow up a Catholic church at some point, but the explosion ends up doing nothing more than killing Seagal's very favorite priest. And how could I forget the fact that Sharon Stone stars and never once bares her breasts or flashes her cooch.For shame, Ms. Stone. Why do you think we watch your movies in the first place? You entered into a sacred trust with American males back in '92 and I aim to hold you accountable. You get a pass since Above the Law was released in '88, but you had it in you...you know you did!
As far as Steven Seagal's badassery goes, well, he's really more of a smart ass in this role. Nico Toscani has to be one of the most irritating, least realistic detectives ever portrayed on celluiod. He's smirky and jerky and just plain mean. Maybe I chose the wrong Seagal outing, but from what I saw on display in Above the Law I'm guessing there ain't much depth to that well, if you know what I'm saying.
8. THE ONE (JET LI)
I've been informed by a good friend that Jet Li is more watchable in period pieces. He suggested watching Once Upon a Time in China or The Legend to experience Li at his best and I intend to do just that, this friend being a trusted source for movies and such. That being said: The One's Jet Li is a charisma-free, blank-eyed mandroid of some kind. He's been programmed to punch, kick, and fly, but he lacks the emotions that continue to separate man from machine.
The movie, though, is much worse than the performance (I for one found Li extremely likable--but, c'mon, a likable badass? No fucking thanks.). It's boring and familar and not even the presence of Jason Statham (another badass on our epic list) makes the proceedings any more entertaining. Wasteful sci-fi trash!
7. UNDEFEATABLE (CYNTHIA ROTHROCK)
The only female on our list falls tragically short, but to be fair, it is by no fault of her own. Rothrock isn't given the amount of screentime needed to establish herself as a viable force of badassitude. Sure, she kicks a few dudes' asses in some back alley brawls, but the memorable moments are dominated by the film's villain extrordinaire, eye-plucking madman Stingray. The movie itself, while laughably amateurish, features some pretty cool martial arts stuff and is one of the only movies on our smackdown in which I wouldn't be surprised to find out that the bulk of the "actors" did their own stunts. Sorry, ladies, but Rothrock doesn't have what it takes to top our list this time.
6. CONAN THE BARBARIAN (ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER)
The best thing that came out of watching and reviewing Conan: I can now spell the governor of California's surname without Googling it first.
Conan isn't a horrible film, but compared to what Peter Jackson has done with the sword-n-sorcery paradigm, it falls way, way short. Plus, it kind of feels like a set-up for a series rather than a complete film unto itself (an elderly Ahnold in kingly regale seated upon a throne following the grand finale doesn't help matters much). That being said, it's got some great action set pieces and plenty of boobs to keep your inner horny seventh grader satiated.
5. RAMBO (SYLVESTER STALLONE)
Rambo could've cracked our top three if it wasn't for all that sad. And all the hokey computer effects. Hell, I would've preferred good old fashioned blood packets and squibs. There may be some of that here and there, but most of the gun battles look a little too video game ready as far as I'm concerned. The story is simple, which works in the movie's favor, and Stallone does little to tarnish the image of a national fictional treasure, which is more than I can say for a certain Mr. Spielberg and his archeologist friend. And I wouldn't really call John Rambo a badass per se. He's more mumbly than anything else.
4. THE ART OF WAR (WESELY SNIPES)
I've read a lot of amateur reviews for The Art of War after watching it and finding myself pleasantly surprised and have learned that a lot of people downright hate this picture. I myself admitted that it was hacky and predictable, but I still found myself drawn in by it's siren song. A lot of the complaints are levelled against Wesley Snipes and the fact that his act is the same in every movie he does. I don't have a very wide knowledge of Snipes' film output, so I wasn't bothered by his smart ass tone and his action star on auto pilot attitude. I had enough of a good time watching The Art of War to warrant giving it the #4 spot on our countdown, so, whatevs.
3. xXx (VIN DIESEL)
No, you haven't stumbled into a wormhole, been torn limb from limb, and found yourself reformed in an alternate dimension: xXx is in our top 3. Congratulations! True, it's just as CGI happy as its fellow list mate Rambo, but there's something gloriously cartoony about the whole thing. Rambo's CGI explosions and crumpled dead bodies equals depression; xXx's? Rollicking good times. And as far as badasses go, well, you can't do much better than Xander Cage, the smart-alecky, ramp-jumping, avalanche-outrunning, super secret agent played by Vin Diesel.
2. BLOODSPORT (JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME)
Bloodsport is awesome!
I literally wrote and deleted five opening sentences before settling on that one. I don't know what it is about Bloodsport that makes me like it so much, but JCVD plays a huge part. He's so darn likable as Frank Dux, a man fighting for honor and glory in the Kumite, a violent underground mixed martial arts competition that pits badasses from all over the world against each other (kinda like our smackdown!). The forced love story between Dux and a nosy reporter falls flat, but the fight scenes are wholly entertaining. And I can't stop sharing with friends and family my newfound love and respect for JCVD's naked ass. It, readers, is a thing of infinite beauty.
1. CRANK (JASON STATHAM)
All hail the king of all badasses: Jason Statham! If you've been following this feature at all, this probably comes as no surprise to you. I loved Crank. It is a bold, kinetic triumph of trash and I was hooked from the opening millisecond. Congratulations, Jason Statham and Crank. You are the winner of our EPIC BADASS SMACKDOWN!!!
Agree? Disagree? Don't give a shit? Let us know @ giantpengy@yahoo.com or in the comments section of this very blog. We love mail and we love comments. And we love you (awwwww). And be on the look out for our next smackdown coming this Fall.
