Title: Conan the BarbarianBadass: Arnold Schwarzenegger
What the heck?: Conan the Barbarian is based on the fantasy stories of pulp writer Robert E. Howard, a man so deeply disturbed that he actually believed Conan was visiting him during the night brandishing a blood-stained battle axe and standing over him poised to split him in two if he ever once quit writing. California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger plays the titular character as a hulking, mush-mouthed meathead on a gory mission of revenge against Thulsa Doom, an otherworldly cult leader who can turn himself into a boa constrictor at will. On his journey, Conesy hooks up with two petty thieves, one of which he makes sweaty barbarian love to on a regular basis, saves a princess, fucks a witch vampire (vampire witch?), and punches out a camel.
What's to like: the final battle between good (Conan and his vaguely Asian buddy, Subotai) and evil (Thulsa Doom and his various henchmen); James Earl Jones delivery of the line, "Contemplate this on the Tree of Woe;" a Caligula-style orgy that turns into a bloody medieval bar brawl; Conan rips out a vulture's throat with his teeth.What's to not like: Conan's casual cruelty to animals; Conan defeats death with some help from his plucky lady-friend and some well tied knots.
The truth: It ain't The Lord of the Rings, but it wasn't that bad. I'd give it a solid "eh" with a few extra points for all the boobies.
Next time...Wesley Snipes. And then...a last minute contender! Oh, snap!!!
