1.) KERRI GREENI was, and a little part of me still is, completely in love with Kerri Green when I was a young man. To me, she was the perfect girl--cute, red-haired, and kind to nerds. You see, like Charlie Brown, I too had a little red-haired girl who I pined for: Cassie Cooper. Ours was a love that would not surive her move to Colorado and return to Troy, so I had to live vicariously through Lucas and the Goonies. They won the heart (sort of) of their redheaded object of affection while, alas, I did not.
2.) ARIELI don't know if it was blazing shock of bright red hair, the angelic singing voice, or the shell Miracle Bra, but I was also in love with Ariel growing up. She was just so pretty and nice and half-naked. And she had that cavern full of treasures. I wanted to be a merman so bad after watching that movie, I damn near drowned myself the next time we went to the lake. "Matt, you idiot," my father said as he pulled me gasping for air out of the muddy water, "mermaids live in the ocean, not the lake." Dejected, I sat on my beach towel for the remainder of the afternoon, crying onto my moderately priced concession stand hot dog.
3.) ISLA FISHER
Whoever said that beautiful women can't be funny, first of all, should have all of his teeth kicked in. Secondly, it's obvious he hasn't seen Isla Fisher in action. As Gloria Cleary in 2005's Wedding Crashers, Fisher flawlessly steals the thunder of both Vince Vaughan and Owen Wilson. Plus, she is the mother of Sacha Baron Cohen's child, I mean, c'mon, do you think he'd have a baby with just anyone? Hell no!
4.) ARCHIE ANDREWS
Archie is a total f'ing stud! Who else could court the richest girl in town and the girl next door at the same time and totally get away with it? How does Archie fucking do it? It sure ain't the car. And it's not like he's much of a student. And when is the last time you saw Archie take on a job and actually complete it succesfully? I read a lot of Archie comics growing up and I can assure you that he is the consummate screw-up. So, what is it about Archie that makes him so damn desirable to Betty and Veronica? Apparently, Riverdale bitches go crazy for the Bozo-orange hair, the chalky white skin, the bushy black eyebrows, and the saucer-sized freckles. Archie, you are officially my hero.
5.) AMY ADAMS
Name one person more delightful than Amy Adams. I bet you can't do it. She was a revelation in Junebug (as well as the only reason to watch) and, being a sucker for heartwarming musical numbers featuring housecleaning vermin, I really enjoyed Enchanted. And who was singled-out as the only highlight in the national nightmare that was Night at the Museum 2: Battle of the Smithsonian? That's right: Amy Adams.
6.) KYLE BROFLOVSKI
The voice of reason on Comedy Central's long running animated series, Kyle possess perhaps the most impressive 'fro of any animated Jew in the history of cartoons. It is simply spectacular, a thing of beauty that deserves respect.
7.) JESSICA RABBIT
Ms. Rabbit has the distinction of being the first cartoon character ever to make me feel kind of funny "down there." Even now looking at this picture of her produces slight movement in me underwears. AGH! It's sick, I know, but look at her. In 1988, this was my porn before I even knew what porn was. God bless you, Robert Zemeckis.
8.) MOLLY RINGWALD
Ally Sheedy was my favorite Breakfast Clubber (cuz I likes 'em weird and chock full of dandruff), but I defy you not to fall in love with Molly in Pretty in Pink. Sure, her homemade prom dress is an absolute travesty and, yes, her choice of boyfriend (Blane? Ugh.) leaves a lot to be desired and, OK, sure, her best friend is an abnormally obnoxious closet case, but she tries so hard. Sigh. 
9.)JOSIE of the Josie and the Pussycats
What can I say? I've got a thing for short-haired redheads in skintight cat suits who play lead guitar.
(It goes without saying, but we've also got a lot of love for close friend/loyal commenter, Gabe Sealy-Morris. Mwah!)
