When I learned of Michael Jackson's death tonight, I turned to the wife and said quite matter-of-factly, "It's a shame he couldn't have died fifteen years ago." Now before you go and label me a heartless bastard, think for a minute. If Jackson had passed away in, say, '92 or '93, he'd have been spared the humiliation of having his balls photographed and we wouldn't have to equate The King of Pop with creepy sleepovers and Jesus Juice. Try bringing up Michael Jackson in a conversation tomorrow at the office or in line at the local burrito joint. The guy in front of you ain't gonna start listing his favorite Jackson 5 songs or describe in great detail his favorite scene from Moonwalker. No, he's probably gonna make a joke about Michael showing up at the local JC Penney because of a sale on young men's pants. Or he'll make a crack about Michael's plastic nose, like I did over a basket of chips and salsa when my wife informed me that Jackson had been rushed to the hospital earlier in the day.Jackson was a musical genius, there's no denying it, but I'll always remember him as a gaunt, zombie-esque manchild who invited prepubescent boys to spend the night in his bed at a secluded ranch full of carnival games and exotic animals or as the deranged lunatic who dangled his infant son out of a hotel window. Yes, he wrote Thriller, but he also sucked face with Elvis Presley's daughter on Mtv, still quite high on my list of the most nauseating things I've ever had the displeasure of witnessing.
I wasn't a huge Michael Jackson fan, but like anyone with a soul, I greatly enjoy music and there is no doubt that Jackson left behind some great tunes. We certainly witnessed the death of an icon Thursday afternoon (two icons, really, and four this month alone!), but an icon with an unfortunate and downright strange final act.
Like I said, I wasn't a Michael Jackson super fan, but here is a list of moments in my life where me and Jackson intersected:
1. I'm almost certain I was into Weird Al Yankovic's parodies before I even heard an actual Michael Jackson song. I was a huge fan of Even Worse, though "Fat" was far from my favorite song. Call me a Weird Al snob, but I've always enjoyed his original songs and genre parodies more than the straight parody stuff and Even Worse contains some of my favorites ("Melanie," "Velvet Elvis," "Good Old Days"). I thought "Eat It" was pretty stupid. My mother had Thriller (whose mother didn't?), but we never listened to it much. My dad was always making us listen to "The Legend of Wooley Swamp" by the Charlie Daniels Band anyway, so there really wasn't time for "Billy Jean" or "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin."
2. Christmas, 1991, apropos of nothing, my parents present me with Michael Jackson's Dangerous. I didn't ask for it, I didn't even know what it was when I unwrapped it. "Oh, hey, Michael Jackson. Thanks?" That night though I put it in my Walkman and listened to the whole damned thing. And I didn't hate it. There were some stand outs ("Who Is It," "Will You Be There," "In the Closet") and of course some total duds ("Remember the Time," "Jam," "Heal the World"), but I gave it a chance. By the start of the new year, Dangerous was already out of the repertoire, discarded in my audio tape drawer with my Boston Pops for Kids tape and Michael Peace's Rappin' Bold. I never forgot "Who Is It" though and to this day, at random, unpredictable moments, I still find myself singing the hauntingly stupid chorus.
3. On April 1, 2004, Comedy Central aired one of my all-time favorite South Park episodes, "The Jeffersons." The plot is quite simple: Michael Jackson, er, I mean, "Mr. Jefferson" and his young son, Blanket, move to South Park to escape the pressures of living life in the public eye. Cartman forms a disturbing bond with "Mr. Jefferson," while Kyle and Stan do everything in their power to help give Blanket a normal childhood by chiding "Jefferson" for his childish ways. I don't know why my favorite episodes of South Park are about the sexual abuse of children ("Cartman Joins NAMBLA," "Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy"), but watching Jackson and Cartman sing a duet while riding a large-than-life toy train or tongue kissing in Stan's worst nightmare is some of the funniest South Park shit to date. This episode premiered shortly after that weird Martin Bashir documentary in which Jackson discussed his love of Peter Pan and inappropriate sleepovers.
1. I'm almost certain I was into Weird Al Yankovic's parodies before I even heard an actual Michael Jackson song. I was a huge fan of Even Worse, though "Fat" was far from my favorite song. Call me a Weird Al snob, but I've always enjoyed his original songs and genre parodies more than the straight parody stuff and Even Worse contains some of my favorites ("Melanie," "Velvet Elvis," "Good Old Days"). I thought "Eat It" was pretty stupid. My mother had Thriller (whose mother didn't?), but we never listened to it much. My dad was always making us listen to "The Legend of Wooley Swamp" by the Charlie Daniels Band anyway, so there really wasn't time for "Billy Jean" or "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin."
2. Christmas, 1991, apropos of nothing, my parents present me with Michael Jackson's Dangerous. I didn't ask for it, I didn't even know what it was when I unwrapped it. "Oh, hey, Michael Jackson. Thanks?" That night though I put it in my Walkman and listened to the whole damned thing. And I didn't hate it. There were some stand outs ("Who Is It," "Will You Be There," "In the Closet") and of course some total duds ("Remember the Time," "Jam," "Heal the World"), but I gave it a chance. By the start of the new year, Dangerous was already out of the repertoire, discarded in my audio tape drawer with my Boston Pops for Kids tape and Michael Peace's Rappin' Bold. I never forgot "Who Is It" though and to this day, at random, unpredictable moments, I still find myself singing the hauntingly stupid chorus.
3. On April 1, 2004, Comedy Central aired one of my all-time favorite South Park episodes, "The Jeffersons." The plot is quite simple: Michael Jackson, er, I mean, "Mr. Jefferson" and his young son, Blanket, move to South Park to escape the pressures of living life in the public eye. Cartman forms a disturbing bond with "Mr. Jefferson," while Kyle and Stan do everything in their power to help give Blanket a normal childhood by chiding "Jefferson" for his childish ways. I don't know why my favorite episodes of South Park are about the sexual abuse of children ("Cartman Joins NAMBLA," "Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy"), but watching Jackson and Cartman sing a duet while riding a large-than-life toy train or tongue kissing in Stan's worst nightmare is some of the funniest South Park shit to date. This episode premiered shortly after that weird Martin Bashir documentary in which Jackson discussed his love of Peter Pan and inappropriate sleepovers.