Most likely, I will return to the sweet shores of America untouched by rascally pirates or sea madness (which is like space madness with one glaringly obvious difference), but deep down the irrational fear persists. Sometimes it's best to talk about these feelings with friends, and just in case you, dear reader, were not aware, I consider you, personally, one of my very best. This week GEP is going to showcase those fears and phobias that often get ignored by the mainstream media. We hope it will help those who suffer in secret, those who are embarrassed to admit their darkest fears to family and friends, those who want their crazy, irrational fears to be justified by a sarcastic, pop-culturing skewering blog. Remember, there is nothing to fear but fear itself. And gay marriage.
2.) Caligynephobia: fear of beautiful women
I realize this photo is probably unpleasant for melissophobics as well.
1.) Anthophobia: fear of flowers
Wives, have you ever considered that the reason your husband never brings you flowers is because he is deathly afraid of them and not, as you believe, a thoughtless douche? According to PhobiaFearRelease.com, an anthophobic may become dizzy, nauseous, or stark raving mad when placed in close proximity to daises, sunflowers, or roses. Is that what you want your husband's thoughtful gesture to become, a terrifying ordeal of hellish proportions? I hope not.
There is no known 100% cure for anthophobia, but PhobiaFearRelease.com suggests "energy therapy," claiming that it works 85% of the time. I don't know how they came to this very specific number, but who gives a damn, right? What is energy therapy? Well, I'll tell you what it's not: easy to find any straightforward description of energy therapy. By and large, the medical community frowns upon energy therapy, refers to it as quackery. Quackery? Really? But check out this sweet ass electro-metabograph machine. You're telling me that a machine that technologically advanced is a worthless hunk of crap? If someone said I could hook myself up to the electro-metabograph machine and magically be cured of my extreme fear of cacti, I'd say, "hook those electrodes to my balls and rev that puppy up." There's no reason to go through life afraid of bouquets and boutonnieres when pseudoscience is ready and willing to electrocute us healthy.
2.) Caligynephobia: fear of beautiful womenIf the above photograph has driven you into hysterics, you might suffer from caligynephobia; that or you still haven't forgiven Natalie Portman for V for Vendetta. Either way, caligynephobia is real and caligynephobia kills.
OK. I don't know if it caligynephobia kills, but it is totes real. We've all been there. You approach a beautiful woman at a bar or a church picnic or a Porta-John at Lollapalooza, and your palms get sweaty, your mouth gets dry, and your penis gets all hard and pointy. You stand there in front of her gaping like a cod and she's thinking, "Oh, geez, another spazz wants my digits--why did you make me so astronomically attractive, God?" Some people, however, never get over this irrational fear of the attractive and large-busted. These people are known as caligynephobics, or "dorks."
Change That's Right Now (CTRN) claims to be able to cure men and women of their crippling caligynephobia through a series of videotapes. Efron-haired hot guy, Bryan Bodine, shares his personal story to encourage other caligynephobics to come out of hiding and live their lives fear of super hot chicks-free. CTRN should probably add that it's easier to cure someone who looks like Bodine rather than, say, Larry the Cable Guy.
3.) Domatophobia: fear of houses; being in a house
3.) Domatophobia: fear of houses; being in a houseI know a lot of you out there hate homeless people. Don't try to refute it. I've seen you ignore the lady who sits outside of the parking deck and asks for spare change. I've watched you disregard that guy who stands on the median near the mall with his flimsy cardboard sign and money bucket. Remember the time that homeless guy asked if he could pray with you and you said OK and then after his rambling prayer was finished he asked for five more dollars and you refused? I was there. Laughing.
There are close to 3.5 million homeless people in America right now, 1.4 million of them actual children. It's a sad fact, but it's probably pretty close to being somewhat true. These aren't people who've decided working and not eating out of dumpsters isn't for them. These are people who have lost their jobs and homes because of this shitty economy of ours. These are women with toddlers who have run away from abusive husbands and have no place safe to go. And some of these people are domatophobia sufferers.
To many of us, the thought of someone literally being afraid to set foot in a house is stupid, ludicrous, and stupid. However, the thought of being cooped up behind locked doors with a roof over their heads and a refrigerator full of cold cuts and wine coolers, not to mention cabinets for fresh bread and canned corn and closets full of warm sweaters and fresh underwear and private showering facilities is anathema to a domatophobic.
Wow. That is kind of stupid. If you suffer from domatophobia, you should probably just get over it.
4.) Nelophobia- fear of glass
4.) Nelophobia- fear of glassWho wouldn't be afraid of glass. Just look at the damage it can cause:
Nelophobics have got the right idea. Glass totally sucks.
