Things I've Learned From the Internet

This latest Giant Electric feature is a blatant rip-off of Esquire magazine's popular What I've Learned only ours 1) doesn't involve any celebrities whatsoever, 2) focuses strictly on facts, figures, tidbits, and trends gleaned from wasting copious amounts of time on the internet and 3) offers little to no meaningful insight into anything that matters.

#1. Girls love to sing "Tonight You Belong to Me"

My favorite moment in The Jerk (which is my all time favorite comedy film) is without a doubt the scene in which Steve Martin and Bernadette Peters stroll along the beach singing a beautiful rendition of 1926's "Tonight You Belong to Me." The ukulele, the gorgeous harmonies, Peters' cornet solo--it is a perfect moment in a perfectly silly American comedy classic.  "Tonight" is the kind of song that gets stuck in your head and stays put.  I find myself singing it at the most random times--waiting in line at the grocery store, during my morning jog, when checking my testicles for cancerous growths.  It is one catchy son of a bitch.  It is also a lot of fun to sing, alone or with a friend.

As I wandered through the depths of YouTube recently, I discovered that girls seem to love recording themselves singing "Tonight You Belong to Me" and sharing it with the world.   Versions run the gamut from surprisingly good to utter garbage.  Here now are a few of my favorites from this (probably not) global phenomenon.

1. Shelley Green

There's pretty much nothing I hate more than YouTube videos that feature a teenage girl playing acoustic guitar and singing, but there's just something about Shelley Green.  Sure, she's cute, but she also has a helluva voice.  The way she sings the phrase "somebody new" sends chills up and down my spine.  This isn't Shelley's only internet performance.  She also does fairly decent covers of The Beatles "Across the Universe" and Neutral Milk Hotel's "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea."  

2. Shirley

After meeting Steve Martin at a book signing, Asian MySpace model and YouTube vlogger Shirley decided it was time she graced the interwebs with her version of "Tonight."  She's not much of a guitarist or singer.  And it's not like she even tries very hard either.  Shirley basically sets up her camera (poorly), lounges on her butt-ugly couch, and gives a half-hearted performance that leaves a lot to be desired.  It doesn't help that her MySpace page includes a photo album titled "My Famous Friends."  Ooooo, you met Mad TV cast members!  Lucky you!

3. Lauren and Gaby

While Shirley just doesn't try, Lauren and Gaby try too hard and fail spectacularly.  These are the kind of girls who audition for the American Idol judges at the same time because they are BFFs and Simon lets them sing together expecting the worst and then they sing and it's abysmal and then Simon lets them sing separately and they do and one is really good and one is still abysmal, only Lauren and Gaby are both terrible.  And why the bathroom, ladies?  I mean, I guess the acoustics are better, but I'm not even sure I even know what that means. Somebody who knows Lauren and Gaby needs to tell them how truly awful they are before they put out any more of these horrendous videos.

4. Unidentified Mother and Daughter

What's more fun than sitting at the kitchen table with your mother and making a YouTube video? Having not tried it, I can think of a lot of activities that are probably way more fun, but I'm glad somebody has the time and desire to produce family sing-along videos.  I like these two.  They're all kinds of adorable.  Also, they don't need an echoey half-bath to sound good. Maybe try a tastefully decorated kitchen next time, Lauren and Gaby.  You know, the only thing this performance needs is a tuba.  Maybe next time.

5. Fiona Apple

I'm including this video for two reasons.  First, I like Fiona Apple.  Second, she sings to a man wearing a bunny suit.  Enjoy.