Recently GEP founding editor and one of the top guys here Matt called a meeting of GEP editors and staff members to determine the future of the site. Matt had some interesting suggestion (talk about porn more, watch more porn so we can talk about it on the site, pledge money to starving AIDS patients, eat some more pizza, interview some porn stars), but I had some good ones too. One of my ideas was to find a cardiologist to answer some questions about love and relationships from our readers, and we'd call it "Cardiologist of Love," and we'd post it as a Valentine's special report or something. Matt said, "that's only mostly stupid," so I took that as a go and ran with it. Since I don't know any cardiologists at all, I just asked my proctologist, Dr. Suna Elohssa, and he, thankfully, agreed. So here, without furthur ado, is the most excellent love advice of esteemed proctologist and in-network physician Dr. Suna Elohssa.
Dear Love Proctologist,
I want to do something special for my wife on Valentine's day, but I can't think of anything. Any ideas?
Very Anxious Guy
Well, VAG, yours is the perennial Valentine's day problem. You can always get her flowers, chocolates, jewelries, or take her out to dinner, but who hasn't done those things? It's not special when everybody does it, right? I've got a solution I'll bet you've never even thought of that's guaranteed to have your woman squealing with delight, just like in commercials and in situation comedies. Instead of spending the night in a crowded restaurant, how about taking your woman to the proctologist for an anal cancer screening? It shows you care about her health, she can have drugs if she complains about the pain, and afterward she'll be clean and tidy for when you penetrate her anus with your penis.Dear Love Proctologist,
I can't seem to find a lover no matter how hard I try. I do everything I've read about on TV, including looking directly into her eyes, feeding her all natural foods, and shouting "no!" when she bites someone, all to no avail. What am I doing wrong?!?
Craving Anal Nookie In Near East
Are you looking for an human woman or an animal woman, CANINE, because it's not at all clear from your letter. If you want an human woman, you really need to stop looking directly into her eyes. Women interpret prolonged eye contact as an hostile act, so avoid it at all costs. Often women wear necklaces with charms that dangle down to their chest or purposefully display the folds between their mammary glands; these are perfect points of focus to help you avoid angering your female human before you can mate with her. Otherwise, it sounds like you're doing fine.
Women often wear charms you can look at to avoid angering them.
Dear Love Proctologist,
I just can't stop thinking about my high school sweetheart. We're both married now with kids, but we recently reconnected at our high school reunion and there were definitely sparks. To make matters worse, I still love my wife, but she's frigid and also won't have sex with me. Should I try to keep in contact with my high school sweetheart in hopes of starting a relationship, or should I just leave well enough alone and stay home with my current wife and quietly touch myself to college football cheerleaders?
In Christ's Eternal Service
That's quite a problem, ICES, and I'm not sure I can answer it, but I'd start the decision-making process by setting both women up with a proctologist, preferably one that's board certified, and making sure each woman's anus, colon, and rectum are in good working order. Try to be present for the digital examination so the proctologist can show you how all the parts work (if you're lucky he might even let you put on some gloves and dive right in). It's fascinating stuff, and if you feel a polyp or other imperfection, it might make your decision a little bit easier.
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