Solatri: NEWS FLASH: Naomi Watts Discovers Self, Contracts Joker Face from Heath Ledger, Is Focus of Ridiculous Article

Parade Magazine, revered by smarties everywhere for Marilyn vos Savant's ever-shrinking Ask Marilyn column, is reporting that Naomi Watts "Had to Discover [her] True Self" in order to…uh…overcome…uh…something. To be more specific, the cover of the magazine proclaims in bold yellow letters flanked with butterflies "After starring in King Kong and The Ring, Naomi Watts says: I Had to Discover My True Self."

Except she never says that. I know. I actually read the article. She also never discovers her true self. The closest thing to discovering anything remotely revelatory in the article is her description of how director David Lynch helped her "get rid of all [the] facades that [she] had built up over the years." And just how did he achieve this gargantuan feat? Naomi explains: "He wanted to know about my family."

OK, fine. I'll give her that maybe, just maybe, she became a better actress because she "quit acting" or some other paradoxical actor bullshit I could never understand, and maybe this was her finding here "true self," but this meeting with David Lynch came BEFORE she starred in King Kong or The Ring. Are we to believe Miss Watts, after starring to two thoroughly entertaining movies, went BACK IN TIME to learn from David Lynch how to be her "true self" so that she could portray that true self in Mulholland Drive (a movie that is a lot of wonderful things, realistic not being one of them) and then sat down for an interview with Parade Magazine's James Kaplin to spill the beans in hopes of inspiring other young Australian women to pursue acting, become their true selves, and go see her upcoming "financial thriller" The Internationalist? Well, I know David Lynch has got some weird transcendental meditatory powers and all, but I ain't buying it.

But on second thought, stranger things have happened. The article mentions Watts' romantic tryst with Heath Ledger who she amicably split with in 2004, but who still (perhaps from beyond the grave?) saw it fit to bestow her with Joker face, as this photograph taken 3 weeks after the birth of her second child will attest.