Can Americans smoke drugs and still be Americans?
Something about this doesn't add up. As anyone who's watched Saturday morning cartoons any time after, oh, 1986 knows, dope heads who smoke dope and do other dopey drugs don't win gold medals. In fact, they don't win anything. They're lazy, fat, murderous losers who wear too many t-shirts and sometimes look like snakes. Michael Phelps, on the other hand, is a strong-willed, motivated, personable winner of multiple awards with the upper body strength of the 1976 East German women's swim team in just the fingernail of his left pinky. He often swims with just his fingernail to impress women, and once they're properly impressed, he beds them by the score WHILE he continues to swim, give high fives to impassioned onlookers and hug his mamma ALL AT THE SAME TIME! Afterward, he prays to 17 different deities and eats 16,000 eggs, single-handedly providing jobs to 1 million American chicken farmers and delaying the divine destruction that America's had coming for quite some time. That's something you just can't do while smoking dope.
Typical drug doer.So what's really going on here? My theory is that it's an elaborate plot by Communist China designed to shame and embarrass our great land so they can steal more jobs, sneak lead into our babies, and put pee pee in our Coke. They've kidnapped the real Michael Phelps and replaced him with a Robot Michael Phelps that craves bong water and sheds apologies like tears. This new, wussy Phelps will destroy America within the month if we don't stop him.
Hitting it like an Olympic Champion.
Another theory is that Michael Phelps has a genetic mutation that reverses the effects of Cannabis. Instead of making him weak and lazy, Cannabis makes the mutant Michael Phelps grow stronger, larger, and more virile. As he grows, so does his appetite for the illicit substance, which will increase the number of drug dealers on the streets as desperate poor people jump at the chance to put food on their tables and destroy America as they struggle to feed his exponentially-increasing habit. Can we suffer this superhuman mutant, as much as he's done for our country, to live? It's a tough decision, but I say no. At this rate, he'll impregnate half our women by summer. The rest will be so impressed with his physique that they'll refuse to copulate with even their own husbands. For the sake of genetic diversity, we must kill him now.
Artist's rendition of Michael Phelps's inbred progeny.
Whichever theory proves to be correct, we are surely doomed. I'm reminded of Occam'a Razor, the philosophical principle that insists that the simplest explanation of a phenomenon is probably the right one. Which of my theories is simplest? That's hard to say. Like all things in life, it's probably a combination of the two. One thing I do know is true is that marijuana is every bit as evil as our government says it is. Why else would they spend so many billions of dollars, ruin millions of otherwise innocent lives, and use paramilitary tactics and unconstitutional no-knock warrants on their own citizens, including many completely innocent victims of plea bargaining snitches, to protect us from this insidious weed? Now that would really be too insane to believe.
Update! (Via Hit & Run)It looks like Sheriff Leon Lott, the sheriff contemplating charging Phelps for Marijuana possession, actually has a .50 caliber machine gun at his disposal. Better to take down giant Olympic stars/evil robots/horrible mutant monsters. All is safe in Richland County, SC tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
Where does he get those wonderful toys?
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